


The Life and Times of Demisexual Nathan Wuornos

by Nocticola



Series: Ace/Aro characters [10]
Category: Haven (TV)
Genre: 1x6 fur, 2x5 Roots, 3x2 Stay, 3x9 Sarah, 5x21 Close to Home, Ace writer, Bcus, Bi Audrey Parker, Bi Duke Crocker, Demisexual Nathan Wuornos, Episode 1x11 The Trial of Audrey Parker, Episode: s01e02 Butterfly, Episode: s01e07 Sketchy, Episode: s01e08 Ain't No Sunshine, Episode: s01e09 As You Were, Episode: s01e10 The Hand You're Dealt, Episode: s02e02 Fear & Loathing, Episode: s02e04 Sparks and Recreation, Episode: s02e11 Business As Usual, Episode: s02e12 Sins of the Fathers, Episode: s02e13 Silent Night, Episode: s03e01 301, Episode: s03e03 The Farmer, Episode: s03e13 Thanks for the Memories, F/M, Gen, Internalized Acephobia, M/M, Nathan doesn't know and he has issues, Panromantic Nathan Wuornos, Referenced Biphobia, Sex neutral Nathan, Underage Drinking, possible acephobia from other people
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-04-19
Updated: 2018-10-29
Packaged: 2018-11-12 04:53:04
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 15
Words: 26,102
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11154636
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nocticola/pseuds/Nocticola
Summary: Nathan's (long) journey of self-discovery.Ch 1: IntroductionCh 2: Nathan and Duke 1/3 (Tacks and high school)Ch 2: Hannah Driscoll (1x2)Ch 6: Blind Dating (post-college to pre-1x1 Welcome to Haven)Ch 8: Partners (1x1-1x4)Ch 9: Jess Minion (1x6-1x10)Ch 10. Touch and Feeling (end of 1x8-1x13)Ch 11: Bi!Audrey (1x11)Ch 12; Talking with Duke (2x4)Ch 13: Chris Brody(2x4-2x5); falling for Audrey(2x5; 2x11-2x12)Ch 14: Post Mortem Father Son Talk (2x12)Ch 15: Audrey and the Hunter (3x3 The Farmer) [*newest]Ch 17: Sarah Vernon (3x9; 3x13)Ch 19: Nathan and Duke (3/3 season 2+ 4x1)Ch 30: Ace Moment (5x21)





	1. Introduction

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This fic is a mess bcus I can't write in order, I know. But I felt like having a bit of an introductory chapter would make everything flow better. (I get that that is a weird realization to make 10+ chapters in but oh well.)
> 
> Once this is done I'll probably delete all these author notes. People seeing the finished product don't need to know about the mess.

Nathan always wanted to be normal. Most people want to be special and different, but when you've been 'special' with a medical diagnosis and all, when your differences lead to bullying and to you being an outsider, you really just want to belong. To not stand out. But Nathan wasn't very good at that. Even though he tries.

Even when his condition went away when he was 9, to him it felt like there was something wrong and different in him, still. It became more and more clear to him over the years. He didn't want to examine the hows, and whys, he just wanted to ignore it, hoping that would make him normal enough. 

To an extend, it worked. He thinks he had crushes, he dated Nicole for a summer and Hannah Driscoll for the senior year and it was fine. It (almost) made sense. He didn't quite get the way people obsessed with sex in high school but he could blend in. Could even have it, to some extend. It was fine, and it seemed to work for other people. 

Maybe his condition affected his development, maybe he's a late bloomer and he will understand soon enough.

(Right?)

Best not to worry about it. He can be normal if he just tries hard enough (ignores enough feelings, but he's used to that). Someday, he'll make sense. 


	2. 5 Incidents between Nathan and Duke (1/3)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 1) The Tacks Incident (Spring 1984): 1313 words  
> 2) The Getting Drunk for the First Time Incident (January 1994); 1558 words  
> *spoilers for next chapters*  
> 3) The Wharf Grill Incident (early-2000s?)  
> 4) The Getting Troubled Again Incident (2007/8)  
> 5) The Being Normal Again Incident (2010; 2x2)  
> Mini-Bonus: The Mistletoe Incident (2010; 2x13)  
> +1 The Beard Incident (2011; 4x1)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok, since I split this chapter, it actually makes sense for this to be chapter one for timeline reasons.
> 
>  
> 
> Content warning: bullying, parental death, emotional and physical neglect of teenagers, kinda unwanted advances (one-sideish Duke/Nathan)
> 
> Confused!Nathan & bi!Duke pre-Haven (The tacks incident and 1994)
> 
> Also, this chapter broke 20,000 words on this fic!

1) The Tacks Incident (Spring 1984);Carla Rose

Nathan is sitting alone at a lunch table when suddenly, Duke Crocker appears.

"Hey, Wuornos! Do you have a crush on anybody?" 

"Why are you asking?" They don't really interact with each other usually. Especially not once Nathan got sick. 

"Just trying to be a pal. C'mon, you must like someone. " 

Nathan concentrates on his sandwich again. Who does he like? There must be someone... *Everyone* likes someone. He tries to look around discreetly, but he knows he's obvious. 

"Mmm, I guess Carla Rose is nice and cute." (She's never called Nathan a freak to his face and didn't switch from her seat behind him after Nathan got sick.) 

"So, Carla Rose, huh?" 

"Yeah..." he says hesitatingly. 

Duke leaves as quickly as he arrived, and Nathan thinks he hears him say something like "I can work with that." 

The interaction leaves him unsettled, but he's not completely sure why. 

\---- 

Nathan is lying on a gurney in the nurse's office, he knows he should be in physical pain but there's *nothing*. He does feel a lot of emotions, though, humiliation, anger, like a freak. 

His back is covered in over a dozen bandages, and he felt nothing even when nurse Carol made distressed noises at the state of his back. 

He can still hear Carla Rose's screams, the look on her face when Nathan tried to stumble over a one-sided, it turns out, (or maybe no-sided, but Nathan doesn’t want to examine what that might mean), crush confession while leaving behind him a bloody trail. He was so *stupid*, to think someone could actually like him. 

He also remembers the laughter, which quickly turned to yells for an adult after the real damage of 16 tacks was revealed. 

Now, Nathan just wants to go home with his Mom, and not tell his Dad. 

"Nathan, baby. Are you alright?" 

He can hear his mother's steps coming closer to him, the quiet sounds of the mattress when she sits down next to him. He hears her hand going through his hair. He feels nothing. But now his Mom is here, and he doesn't have to be strong anymore. He starts to cry. 

"Oh, baby." She gathers him into her arms and rocks him back and forth on the bed. "It's OK, baby." 

Nathan concentrates on the sounds around him. His mother's voice, her heartbeat. He focuses the senses he still has left, although his vision goes blurry from tears. His mother is whispering soothing noises in his ear, and it helps, a bit. 

“It’s OK, baby. It’ll be alright.” 

Of course Nathan would like to believe that, but right now it doesn’t feel like it. He’s not sure how long they stay at the nurse’s office, Nathan crying and his Mom trying to sooth away the pain he can’t feel. Eventually, he manages to ask, 

“Can we not tell Dad about this?” 

“Why, baby?” 

Nathan would rather not say, so he just stares down at his fingers, trying to figure out what to do with them. 

“I don’t want him to think I’m weak,” he eventually whispers. He wipes away the tears from his face (at least he thinks he does; his Mom helps him look more presentable before they leave). 

“OK. How about I make pancakes for you today? As dessert.” 

Nathan is very tempted. But his Dad… “He’ll know something happened if I get pancakes today.” 

“Well, what if we do them before Dad comes home? It can be our secret.” 

“OK,” Nathan nods, and he’s starting to feel slightly better. 

As they walk away from the school, Nathan is holding his Mom’s hand and he can see Duke Crocker lurking about, trying to get a glimpse of Nathan. Nathan turns away quickly and walks faster. He doesn’t want to talk to Duke Crocker ever again. 

When they get into the car, his Mom hesitates a bit before starting the car. Nathan sits at the front, watching unseeingly out of the car window. 

“Nathan, you don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to, but… who did this to you?” “I won’t it. It will be part of the secret.” 

Nathan turns, staring up the car ceiling, “It was mostly Duke Crocker.” He wants to bit his lip so bad, but he already hurt himself like that, so instead he looks down to play with his fingers again. 

“I really hate him, Mom.” Usually his mother tells him not to use words like ‘hate’, but she stays quiet this time. Nathan turns to look at her, “He had no reason to do that. Why do people hate me now?” 

His Mom looks at him with such pity Nathan turns away and hates himself for asking the question. Of course he knows why. He’s a freak. 

But his Mom turns his face back to look at her, and maybe it wasn’t all pity, but Nathan’s not sure about all the emotions on her face. 

“Whatever their reasons, you don’t deserve this. You understand me? You are and will always be my beautiful baby boy. You’re better than their hate. Remember that.” 

She finally starts the car, and Nathan’s feelings are too jumbled to really for anything other than think about the pancakes he’ll soon have. 

\--- 

Later, when they’re eating pancakes with maple syrup (they made only a small patch this time, only about half of what they usually do on weekends) they don’t really talk about what happened. 

They manage to eat their pancakes and fix the mess in the kitchen before Garland comes home. Because Nathan can’t feel his injuries, he doesn’t behave any differently, but Garland does pick up the odd vibe in their home that day. But he doesn’t mention it. Elizabeth decides to let Nathan have today, but if Nathan OKs it, she will later tell Garland about what happened. Although she does understand Nathans points of view. Nathan doesn’t want to get his fellow students in (lower case) trouble, and Garland is sometimes too forceful with Nathan, so he doesn’t want to appear weak in front of his father. She needs to talk about that with Garland. But that is for later. 

She knocks on Nathan’s door right around bed time. Nathan is listening to music with headphones but not too loudly so he notices her soon and nods to her. She smiles as she comes to sit on his bed. Even though it doesn’t help as much as it used to, she still hugs Nathan for good night. 

“Hey, if you want to talk about anything that happened today, I’m here for you, OK?” Nathan nods again against her shoulder. She holds his face in her hands as she continues,  
“I’m not telling you to forgive Duke. Or even not hate him for what he did. But that anger and hatred is not good for you. Trust me, I know. Just… think about it, OK? Maybe Duke is sorry and will apologize to you. Maybe he won’t, but holding on to anger is not good either. OK?” 

Nathan shrugs, “I’ll think about it.” His Mom gives him a final kiss on the forehead (Nathan closes his eyes and reminds himself what that felt like) before telling him to go to sleep. 

He does turn off all the lights and tries to get to sleep. But he’s not quite done, dealing with the events of the day. For some reason, anger feels familiar. Safe. Duke did something awful to him and he should be allowed to be mad. Just because they’re the same age and can’t escape each other in Haven doesn’t mean that Nathan’s gonna let this go any time soon. Maybe he’s a bitter person. But not being Nathan’s friend doesn’t seem like a horrible punishment to Duke and since it’s the only one he’ll get, Nathan doesn’t see the point in letting go. 

#*******#

2) The Getting Drunk Incident 1994 (17 years old)

During a Friday lunch hour in January 1994, Nathan finds Duke from under the bleachers. 

"Why, Nathan T. (Whatever that stands for) Wuornos, what brings you to me today?" 

Nathan is in no mood for small talk, just holds out a 20, "Give me a bottle." 

Duke looks at bill and laughs a bit, moves his hand in a 'ghosh darn' gesture, "Damn, I had a bet going you wouldn't drink until Dec 15th, 1996." 

Nathan does not look at all amused, and grumpily comments, "That's not even my 21st birthday." 

Duke rolls his eyes at Nathan's humorlessness, "No, that's the day after your birthday, so you can be extra sure it's legal. Because you're that much of a goody two shoes. And you're not even 18 yet, so--" 

Nathan is really not in the mood for this," Is this enough or not?" 

Duke sighs, annoyed, "Yeah. Meet me here after school. I'll get you what you want." 

"Fine." And just like that, Nathan's gone. 

\--- 

Nathan is back at the bleachers at the end of the day and Duke is at least good for his word about this and he's waiting for Nathan. 

"So. Why have we decided to start drinking today?" Duke asks in his best bartender voice while he still holds the bottle. 

"That's none of your business." Nathan holds out the money again, wanting this whole thing to just be over with. 

"I decide who I sell and why. How can I trust your Dad won't find out about this? 

"The Chief's away for the weekend. I think he needs to testify in Portland or something." 

"OK... so he's not gonna catch you drinking. But why are you? Doesn't he do that type of stuff all the time? You never even throw parties. Because of the aforementioned goody two-shoes factor. So, I'm still waiting for an explanation." 

Nathan grits his teeth, "He wasn't supposed to have anything. Not *this* weekend." 

Duke is at a loss about the importance of this particular weekend. Until--"Wh-- oh. Shit. Your Mom." 

Nathan closes his eyes for a moment. "Is that good enough of a reason?" 

Duke feels awkward and kinda like an asshole, "Yeah. Here." 

They exchange items, money for a vodka bottle, and Nathan quickly turns to walk away. 

\--- 

A few hours later, Duke knocks on the door of the Wuornos’ little yellow house. Nathan opens the door, looking even crankier than usual. 

“What?” he snaps. Nathan has apparently already started drinking, judging by his smell. 

“I have more alcohol. On the house.” 

Nathan looks at Duke suspiciously but decides to let him in. Their relationship has been on ‘neutral’ for the past few months. They haven’t hanged out or anything, but in general they’ve stayed clear from each other, and sometimes it’s the best they can do for each other. They’re not friends, but they’re classmates and right now they have a quip pro quo thing, so they might ended up being civil to each other tonight. If Nathan’s honest, he just doesn’t want to be alone tonight. 

Duke goes straight for the kitchen to put some beer bottles in the fridge. On his way he sees that the vodka bottle is about a third through, which for first-timer Nathan is pretty impressive. He puts two beer bottles on the table before digging for a bottle opener. He finds it easily and the bottles are open before Nathan has really made his way from the door to the kitchen. Duke gives Nathan a bottle and takes the other for himself. 

“To Elizabeth Wuornos. May she rest in peace.” Duke toasts. 

Nathan mumbles the same. A quick overview of Nathan’s face tells Duke he’s been crying, but he doesn’t mention that. 

Nathan clinks his beer bottle neck to Duke, but because he’s already been drinking, his hand slips a bit and they clink the bottoms too. Duke laughs at that, and Nathan gives an embarrassed smile. Better than crying. Duke thought it was fun, and might pick up the habit. But that’s for later. 

They both drink their beers in silence. Nathan seems to like beer, although Duke probably should have warned him about mixing alcohols. Well, Nathan will learn it by morning. 

They stand around the kitchen, just drinking their beers, saying nothing else. The silence is starting to get to Duke so he starts saying, 

“So, ---“ 

When Nathan groans and says, “Are you here to drink or talk? Because I agreed to the former not the latter.” 

“Look, Nate,” but for a moment Duke loses his train of thought, “Are you going to tell me what the T. standards for, by the way?” 

Nathan is taken aback by the change in topic, but his answer is a firm, “Never.” 

“Ugh, fine. Whatever. Anyway, you should about stuff. You were gonna talk to your Dad this weekend, weren’t you? Just because that’s not happening doesn’t mean you shouldn’t talk to *someone*.” 

“Why would that someone be you?” 

“Because I’m here? No one else is.” 

Nathan drags his hands through his hair, frustrated, “I’m not drunk enough for that.” 

“Well, it’s a good thing I have lots of more alcohol." 

Nathan just "ughs" and continues drinking his beer. Duke decides to let the silence continue for now. Nate will talk if he wants to.

\----- 

Hours, the vodka bottle and many more beers later, they are sitting on the couch and Nathan seems finally ready to talk. Or rant. 

"The Chief was supposed to be home. The other years, if he had to be somewhere we would do this before. But he, he didn't say anything before Wednesday, just sprang this on me. I guess he'a sick of mourning her already. Fuck it, it's fine. He remembered I exist for my birthday, that's fine. What more should a son want?" 

Duke lets Nathan do his thing. They're not friends. Not really. Everyone knows there's tension in the Wuornos household, but Duke didn't suspect something like this. It's not as bad as Duke's situation, at least the Chief cares sometimes, Nathan has a roof over his head, and food. But Nathan's always been emotionally unexpressive, with his Trouble and then because of mother, he'll let it slide. Nathan's Mom was always nice to him when he and Nathan were in friendship mode. She deserves to be mourned properly. (Also, Nathan vastly overpaid for his vodka, so it's not that Nathan doesn't have an idea of Duke's situation) 

Nathan has again fallen quiet and Duke takes stock of what his occasional friend looks like. Drunkenness isn’t really becoming on Nathan, and he’s turned out to be a huge geek, but he’s also quite cute. And whenever they get along, he can be really fun. It seems that there's something about their personalities that either make them great friends or great enemies. This year has been a rare ‘neutral’ time for them. Which Duke is about to break. You can’t blame a guy for trying. 

"You know what would really piss the Chief off? Coming home, finding you making out with a Crocker." 

Nathan’s face turns quizzical, possibly from drunkenness, possibly for other reasons. He turns to look at Duke. 

“What?!?!” 

“Just a suggestion. If you want to piss off her old man.” 

Nathan’s still confused. “Why would I do that? Sometimes my mere existence seems to do that enough, why would I add kissing you to that?” 

Duke groans, “Ugh, how on Earth did you get somewhere with that Nicole girl last summer? It's impossible to hit on you." 

“Nicole was very bored and very blunt about her interest,” Nathan replies. It’s easier to deal with that part of what Duke said. After a bit, Nathan’s face clarifies a little, but he still seems confused, “Wait. You’re hitting on me? Why?” 

Duke laughs in an effort to diffuse the tension, "You grew up to be a hot geek. That's hard to pull off." 

Nathan keeps looking at Duke in disbelief. Duke sighs, “What? I like boys too. And you’re a boy I might like a bit more than usual.” 

Nathan scoffs before asking angrily, “Are you saying that you’re one of those types who bully the people they like to get their attention? Because that’s fucked up, Duke. Why would you even think I like you?” 

“You let me in.” 

“Because you had alcohol. I was perfectly fine mourning my mother alone before you showed up.” 

“OK, so do you not like guys?” Duke asks for clarification, hoping to steer the topic into a better waters. 

Nathan stands up from the couch, wobbling a little, “I don’t fucking know what I like, but I certainly don’t like you.” 

“C’mon, Nate. I haven’t done anything to you in a while. And I haven’t done anything too bad to you.” 

Nathan looks at Duke in angry disbelief, “Nothing too bad? I still have fucking sc--, “ but suddenly Nathan falls quiet. Duke’s not sure what Nathan was going to say. 

Nathan pulls at his hair, clearly frustrated, “You know what, fuck it. I need you to leave.” 

Duke feels like he should say something, but instead he gets up from the couch, gathers the rest of the beer he brought and leaves. 

As he steps outside Nathan’s house, it seems clear to him that the neutral times are over. They’re back in enemy mode.


	3. Hannah Driscoll

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dating Hannah Driscoll. And seeing her again. [1x2 Butterfly]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OK, so now this fic has a much better title and I'm finally managing to write this actual first chapter.  
> The order of the chapters is still kinda a mess, because I still wanna write 2 pre-canon, college chapters, that will eventually be the real chapters two and three. But since those have OCs it's probably gonna take a while.  
> This is a long, long fic.  
> Next up will probably be the Jess Min(n)ion chapter
> 
> This chapter ended up taking like 2 weeks to write (counting from 1x2 Butterfly rewatch) and being 5700+ words.  
> Enjoy.

Nathan’s not completely without romantic experience. He practically went steady with a girl called Nicole a couple of summers ago. Well, they hang out occasionally and made out a couple times. Nicole’s not from Haven, which might be what made the thing so easy at the time. There was no many years worth of embarrassing stories about Nathan that Nicole would have known that would have affected her. It was just Nathan looking decently cute in his ice cream seller’s hat and Nicole being bored. Or maybe it was just the ice cream. 

Still, becoming lab partners with Hannah Driscoll in their senior year is different. Not that they start dating immediately. They both like school and they end up spending quite a lot of time studying together. At some point, study dates turn into more actual-date things. Not that Nathan quite realizes it at first. They’ve been going on date-date, not friend hangouts for almost a month when Hannah asks if he’s ever going to kiss her. Nathan’s surprised face makes Hannah smile and laugh at him affectionately. Nathan looks down at his shoes, mumbling that he didn’t really realize that’s what she wanted. She strokes his cheek and when Nathan looks up at her again she gives him a quick kiss on the lips. Nathan smiles awkwardly. 

“Just in case you’re still wondering, I’d like to be boyfriend and girlfriend,” Hannah tells him. Nathan can’t do anything but nod. Hannah gives him another smile before finishing her way home. (Whatever they’ve been doing has always been secret. Ed Driscoll does not want his daughter to do anything with Nathan.) Nathan watches her ride her bike away (he really needs a car) and touches his lips. He smiles the ride home.  
***  
Hannah being his girlfriend doesn’t noticeably change things for Nathan. Dating the Rev’s daughter doesn’t exactly change his geekiness and it’s not like they do much beyond the occasional hand holding at school. Sometimes when Nathan bothers to go hang out with some classmates at the bonfire at the beach during the weekend, the other guys whine about what their girlfriends will not do and sometimes brag about the things they do, but Nathan doesn’t get the appeal either way. He usually sits pretty far away from the others, only barely belonging to the group. Sometimes they give him shit for it, try to goad him into spilling the beans, if there are any. Nathan never says anything. Whatever is or isn't happening in his relationship with Hannah is none of their damn business. 

His father shows some disapproval towards her, but he’s pretty sure it’s less Hannah herself than her being a Driscoll. (He kinda gets that. He doesn’t like her cousins and her father always looks ready for a hell fire sermon once Nathan starts actually picking Hannah up for their dates) But Garland doesn’t really care what Nathan does unless it gets him in real trouble, so it doesn’t matter much. A week before his birthday (whether the timing had anything to do it or not, Nathan’s not sure), Garland tries to give him The Talk, but both are too mortified, so it doesn’t really work. Nathan tells him he knows enough from Sex Ed and Garland sighs gratefully at that. Nathan is also relieved. But also bothered. Part of what bothers Nathan about the whole thing is that, if he’s honest with himself, he’s not sure what the big deal is. They haven’t been together that long, surely they don’t need to do anything like that yet? He likes Hannah, he really does, but he’s perfectly fine taking this slow. Really slow. Nathan is sure if he just waits, he will get it. He likes making out but doesn't really wanna go further than that, yet. But he doesn't tell that to Garland. Or anyone else, for that matter. Hannah seems content enough with the way things are that Nathan doesn't worry about it. Yet.  
***  
Turns out, he should’ve been worrying about it already. On his birthday, first he gets pancakes with his Dad, and then later in the evening he goes out with Hannah at a pizzeria. It’s the most birthday-birthday he’s had since he was 11. It’s kinda nice. But Hannah seems to have other ideas.  
They’re at the backseat of Garland’s car, making out. Nathan would feel better if he had his own car, but he’s still saving up the money for that. The heat is on, which feels nice. Instead of being fine with just some half an hour of making out, Hannah starts to try to press him down on the backseat, trying to loom over him, her hand going down his stomach. It’s odd and awkward and Nathan pushes her back a bit, trying to figure out what she’s trying to do.  
“What?”  
Hannah looks sheepish and shrugs, “It’s your birthday. I thought you might want to do something different.”  
Nathan looks her quizzically, “I don’t.”  
It’s Hannah’s turn to look confused, “Oh.”  
Nathan rubs the back of his neck. They should probably talk about this. Try to get to the same head space about where they are in their relationship. But he intensely does not want to.  
"Does this have something to do with your Tr--, that medical thing you had?"  
Nathan freezes. He hates talking about that time. He’s also not comfortable with what she almost said. The word she almost used. Suddenly things went from awkward to unbearable. He pulls away from Hannah, as far as he can in the car, folds his arms protectively in front of his chest.  
“No. I’ve been fixed almost a decade. I just don’t want to do… that. Or anything. Now. Maybe later.”  
“OK.”  
The car is silent for a few minutes. They don’t really move, or look at each other. Eventually Nathan gathers himself enough to go back to the driver’s seat and take Hannah home. While he waits Hannah to get out of the car and leave, Hannah taps into his window. Nathan lowers it.  
“I’m fine with waiting. We’ll do… whatever, when you’re ready.” She strokes his cheek, “Happy birthday.” Nathan gives her a small smile back.  
Later that night, when he's lying in bed at home, he wonders. Is there still something wrong with him? 

Shouldn't he want Hannah already? Maybe he should've just went with it. It's moments like this that he really misses his mother. It's would have been embarrassing as hell, but he's pretty sure he could've talked to her about this.  
He wonders if he should talk with Dr. Carr, but dismisses the thought right out. She would just tell Garland. He will need to figure this out himself.  
***  
They don't see each other until school is back after Christmas break. The atmosphere around school has changed. Everyone's starting to talk about life after high school even more than they did before. The future is looming.  
During their first date after his birthday, they talk about the future a lot. Not the future of their relationship, they don't need to deal with that for a while yet. But Nathan is starting to feel really frustrated by Haven. He wants to get out, he wants new people, new experiences. He's not deluding himself into thinking he's leaving Maine, but Orono is still a different city. Hannah talks about wanting to be an accountant but she's a bit more tempered about her need to leave Haven.  
"You worried the Rev won't let you leave?"  
"He's not like *that*, and you know it," Hannah’s tone says more ‘I’m not talking about this here’ rather than the words she actually uses.  
Nathan doesn't say anything. The Rev is a controlling, manipulative bastard. He might. But he's not really one to talk about healthy relationships with fathers. And it's not like he's unbiased when it comes to the Rev himself. The Rev doesn't like him and makes no effort to hide that fact. The feeling is very much mutual. But this shit is complicated, and school isn’t really the place to talk about this. School is for general ‘can’t wait to get out of Haven’ talk, rather than the ‘need to get away from home because of a shitty situation’ discussions.  
"You deserve to get away from this place." He puts his hand on hers on the lunch table. Sometimes it’s still odd to him to feel another person’s skin, even after all this time.  
"I will. I'll just do it my way. On my own time. He can't stop me forever."  
Nathan nods at her words and gets back to eating.  
"Do you want to do something this weekend?" Hannah asks after a moment. Nathan's pretty sure there's a subtext there. He takes a moment to think. Garland is on nightshift on Saturday. They could do something then. But what? Is he any more ready for anything *now* than he was on his birthday? They still haven’t talked about it.  
"Maybe. I'll look into it and let you know." He tries to give a reassuring smile but he's not sure how well he does, judging by Hannah's face. She looks slightly disappointed. "OK. See you in class, then." Hannah gives him a short kiss on the lips before leaving. Nathan is again left alone with his thoughts.  


After school he goes to the library, trying to figure out how to handle the situation with Hannah. He doesn’t want to lose her. He decides to read a couple of Cosmo mags, maybe they could help him deal with the issue. They do have a bunch of stuff about pleasing a woman but Nathan’s struggling to find something he would be comfortable with.

Julia Carr comes into the reading room, saying quietly but clearly, "My, Nathan Wuornos is reading a Cosmo. Why?" Nathan freezes and he's pretty sure he's blushing. Julia sits by him on the table."Tru--, um, issues in paradise?"  
She's slightly teasing him but Nathan's not really in the mood for that.

"Um... I guess."  
"Does is have something to do with six?"  
Nathan gives Julia a confused look, so she continues, "Remember? Six in Latin is se-"  
"Oh, yeah." Now Nathan knows he's blushing again, and he buries his face in his hands, before mumbling a quite "Yeah".  
"So, which one of you has the six issue?"  
Nathan groans. Sure he's known Julia most of their lives, and he really kinda needs helps with this but... he just hates talking. Especially something like this. He's just glad the library is mostly empty.

"You know, it is OK to not be ready at our age."  
Nathan gives her a disbelieving look. "Yeah... that's why all everyone can talk about is either getting out of Haven or about whether they are getting any."  
"Oh, please. Most of them are all talk." She puts her hand on Nathan's, and the tone of her already quiet voice turns more sympathetic."Is it, I don't know, something specific?"  
"I don't know. I do like her. It's easy to talk to her and I don't wanna lose her. But I'm not... I don't know if... that's... me. It's not her, but... maybe there's still something wrong."  
Julia looks thoughtful for a moment. "Has she said something or..."  
"She... wanted to try something beyond making out. On my birthday." Nathan shrugs. "We haven't talked about it yet."  
"Well, that should be the first thing you do. To see what pages either of you are. And you don't have to immediately jump to six. There are other... verbal stuff you could do, if both of you want to."  
"Verbal---"  
"You know..." and Julia brings out her tongue and moves it quickly up and down.  
"Julia!" Nathan says quietly but sternly.  
"You asked," Julia smirks. Nathan gives a slightly desperate laugh and shakes his head at her.  
"Look, Nate, trust me. You do a half a decent job at that and she will let you take your time with the rest of it. But of course, you might both not be ready. Or she should just wait until you are. But the main point is, talk with each other. Figure it out.”  
Julia stands up to leave the table. “Julia. How… would one do a decent job verbally? If one wanted to?”  
Julia smirks at him again. She makes a circle on the magazine with her finger. ”This spot here is very important. Take care of that and you should be good. Also, I’ve heard doing the alphabet with you tongue yields results.“  
Nathan is definitely blushing now. “Thanks.”  
Julia just shrugs. “We’re friends, aren’t we? Also, I just wish more dudes were into doing verbal. Talk to her. See where you two are really at. Then go from there.” Julia leaves Nathan alone in the reading room.  
Nathan sighs and rubs his face in frustration.  
"That really wasn't an appropriate discussion for a library," Nathan mumbles.

###[Author’s note: sex stuff happens in this section. nothing particularly detailed, but I thought I’d note that here, in case people want to skip that stuff.]

The next Saturday, Hannah is over at Nathan’s. There are in the living room, about to watch Ghostbusters on video. Nathan is feeling nervous. He knows he can’t really relax and enjoy the movie until they talk. There are some trailers at the beginning of the video, so Nathan pauses before the movie starts.  
“Hannah, about… our relationship. I’m not… I don’t think I’m ready for… stuff, yet.”  
“That’s OK. I know we should have talked about it before I made a move. I’m really sorry about that, Nathan.”  
“Oh. Thanks,” Nathan rubs the back of his neck. “But I have been thinking, that if you… I mean, if you don’t…” he sighs, “I could go down on you. If you wanted. I’m fine with the way things are but if you need more… I don’t want to lose you.”  
Hannah looks a bit surprised and embarrassed, she’s blushing. “Oh. That’s… very nice of you to offer, Nathan. I will think about it. I really want us to develop on a pace that we’re both comfortable with. I don’t want you to do anything just to try to ‘keep’ me.”  
“I’m not.”  
Hannah puts her hand on his cheek and gives him a peck on the lips. “Good to know. We’ll see how things go. Let’s watch the movie.”  
Hannah holds Nathan’s hand in hers while they watch the movie. It’s not because she’s scared, but it has a nice calming effect on both of them. Nathan feels a little bit better. They both have some idea about where the other one is. He can’t decide whether or not he’s disappointed by Hannah’s reaction or not. But it is better to not force the issue too much. He tries to just concentrate on the movie.  
Not that anything sexy is going on screen, but by the middle of the movie they are making out on the couch. It’s intense, in a way it hasn't really been before.  
“Did you really mean it?” Hannah breaks up the making out to ask.  
Nathan takes a moment to think. “Yeah.”  
Hannah smiles at him, “OK, let’s try that.”  


Nathan takes Hannah to his room. It’s been years since Hannah has last been there. Nathan ignores those memories. He’s feeling nervous again. But he really wants to do this. They end up standing around awkwardly in his room. Neither of them is really sure how to proceed.  
“So… How do we do this?” Hannah manages to ask after a minute. Nathan has often had issues reading people, but he thinks he sees genuine desire in Hannah’s eyes. It’s weird but kinda exciting.  
“Um… Take off whatever you’re comfortable with and get under the covers. ”  
“OK. Are you going to take something off?”  
OK, Nathan’s not really comfortable with that idea. He’s wearing a t-shirt, and he covers his chest with his crossed arms in a protective stance. “I’m fine.”  
He doesn’t hide seem to uncomfortableness enough and Hannah gives him a sheepish smile. “OK.” She takes off her hoodie, leaving only a red t-shirt. She gets under the covers and takes off her pants. Once she’s done, Nathan joins her under the covers. They are both nervous, but a little making out gets the mood back.  
“You’re sure you want to do this?”  
“Yeah. I want to do this for you.”  
“OK, then.”  


They share nervous smiles, before Nathan’s head disappears under the covers. For a while it’s awkward. Nathan is trying to find his way in the dark, Hannah waits for something to happen. Eventually, Nathan takes off her panties and starts touching her with his tongue. He’s hesitant at first, trying to figure out what works and what doesn’t. Soon, Hannah starts helping him with encouraging words and Nathan develops a rhythm, gets a hang of it. Hannah seems to be enjoying herself, judging by the sounds she makes. After a passionate “Nathan!” and what Nathan assumes was an orgasm, Nathan makes his way back up his bed. Hannah is breathing heavily. Nathan smiles and waits for her to calm down a bit. Hannah pulls him up to a kiss afterwards.  
“Was it OK?” Nathan hates asking, but he does.  
“It was more than OK. Thank you.” Nathan smiles against Hannah’s lips before they kiss again, more deeply this time.  
“Are you sure you don’t want me to do something for you?” Hannah is stroking his cheek when she asks, and Nathan can’t help but lean into the touch.  
“Yeah, I’m sure. We could cuddle for a bit, though.”  
“I’d like that.”  


Nathan moves from on top of Hannah to lay on his right side, his back to Hannah. He can feel Hannah’s movements for a bit before she turns on her side and holds Nathan’s body back towards hers. Her arm is on Nathan’s shirt, not moving to go under it, and Nathan is glad. He takes hold of that hand with his own. Soon they are both relaxing in each other’s arms, breathing calmly, almost falling asleep. They just lay together about 20 minutes before Hannah starts to stir. She kisses the nape of his neck.  
“I should probably start going home. I told the Rev we’re having a study date.”  


Nathan’s mood diminishes somewhat at her announcement, but he just squeezes her hand, “OK.” He turns around to look at Hannah in the eyes.  
“I think I liked doing that. I wouldn’t mind doing it again, if you want.”  


There is something slightly different in Hannah’s smile now. “I very well might take you up on it.” She bites her lip for a moment. Nathan can’t tell if it’s nerves or a seduction technique. He doesn’t have to worry about it though before Hannah continues, “You do know that I’m with you because I like you as a person, right? You don’t have to try to win me over or anything.”  
Nathan gives what he suspects is a rather uncomfortable smile, “Yeah, of course.” God, he hates talking about this stuff. It makes him even more awkward than he usually is. They share a brief kiss before Nathan gets out of the bed. He leaves Hannah alone in his room to get dressed and he gets back into the living room.  
Ghostbusters is still paused on the TV. They barely started the popcorn.  


“OK, I’m decent again. I really need to go.” Hannah says as she enters the living room. Nathan smiles at her and walks her to the door.  
“I had a great time today, Nathan.”  
“Me, too.”  
They kiss one more time before Hannah makes her way to her bike. Before she leaves, she gives him a little wave. Nathan waves back.  


He goes back to sit on the couch and unpauses the movie. He mindlessly eats the popcorn and watches the movie without really registering it. It’s OK though, he’s seen Ghostbusters plenty of times already. He feels… positive, and slightly different after the night’s events.  


The movie’s over and he’s just channel surfing by the time he hears the door. Garland’s home, and seemingly surprised at seeing Nathan still up. Usually they avoid each other as much as possible. Usually Nathan would be reading in his room if he was still up, to avoid these types of encounters. Nathan’s not quite sure why he hasn’t gone to his room yet. Could he still feel Hannah’s… ‘presence’, in the room and he's avoiding it? Teasing himself by keeping himself from it? What will his reaction be? Does he want to tell his father about it? He’s not sure. Neither one of them has said anything yet. (Has Nathan stayed up to ask his father whether he realizes the Anniversary is in a few days? Nathan barely entertains the question) Nathan puts down the TV remote and gets up.  
“I wasn’t really watching anything. You can watch something, if you want.”  
For a moment, Garland doesn’t seem sure how to reply. “No, that’s OK. I think I’m going to head to bed. Long day. You should too.”  
Nathan nods and closes the TV. “Yeah. Night.”  
“Night, son.”  


Eventually, Nathan falls into a restless sleep. 

###

Over time, Nathan loosens up a little. Their sex life still consists of making out and cuddling and Nathan going down on Hannah occasionally. But sometimes he actually takes off his shirt or lets Hannah touch him more.  


As far as Nathan can tell, Hannah is happy with the way things are. And while Nathan doesn't mind the state of their relationship, he is starting to worry again.  
He should want *more*, shouldn't he? He really doesn't know who to talk about that issue. His feelings on actual sex haven't really changed since he started doing this and it has been a few months now. He was always under the impression that it should be easier than this. That he should want this more. But really he doesn't really get the appeal. He really likes Hannah. She's pretty and they get along well. Shouldn't he want to have sex with her already? Shouldn't he be ready by now? Is there something wrong with him?

###

They are snuggling together one night afterwards. Hannah is resting on Nathan’s naked chest, gently stroking her thumb over his heart. The mood is calm and peaceful. It feels like a good time to ask.  
”Wanna go to the prom with me?” He knows he shouldn’t really feel nervous, but he can’t help it.  
“I thought you’d never ask.” Hannah leans up to give him a kiss. “I do need to ask the Rev,” she adds, sounding disappointed and worried.  
Nathan can’t help the annoyed sarcasm in his voice, “That will go well. Can’t you tell him you’re going alone? Save us from all the hassle.”  
“You know I can’t. I’m sure he will be OK with it.”  
“Yeah, right.”  
For a moment they just lay together silently. But Nathan can sense that there is something more Hannah wants to add so he waits patiently.  
“Do you think you’d be willing to try to have sex then? Prom night would a great time to do that.”  
Nathan kinda suspected that she would ask about that. They haven’t really talked about sex since they started this arrangement. He likes the way things are right now. But there’s still some time until Prom.  
“Maybe.” It’s the best answer he can give her at that time. She seems to accept it. For now.  
***  
The Rev says no. Hannah tells Nathan at school during lunch a few days later. She seems very disappointed, like she had expected a different outcome. Nathan is not at all surprised. He hasn’t been at all shy about his feelings about Nathan. Missing prom gives Nathan mixed feelings. Even though it’s just one night (and he still struggles with the sex thing), he was looking forward to doing something with Hannah. He decides to try another tactic.  
“You know, there’s actually meteor shower, too, that night. We could go watch that, instead of prom. No need for all that fancy stuff. Just us, and the stars. Could be fun. You can sneak out. The Rev doesn’t need to know.”  
“That does sound kinda fun. Who needs one last night with one’s classmates, anyway?”  
“A lot of them are also going to UMaine, so it’s not like we have to miss them that much.”  
“Deal.” Hannah’s smile is a bit shaky for a moment, and Nathan has a suspicion about Hannah’s next topic. He decides to concentrate on his food while waiting for her to say her piece.  
Hannah seems to gather her courage, and leans closer to him and whispers, “Have you thought about that other thing, we talked about doing, on prom night?”  
Nathan is still looking down at his food and he is happy that Hannah can't see his initial reaction. When he finally looks up at Hannah again, he has something resembling a smile on his face.  
"Let's see how things develop, OK? I'm not saying 'no', I'm just not sure about a 'yes' yet."  
"OK. Going by mutual pace, right?"  
"Yeah."  
”I… I just want you to think about it. No pressure.”  
Nathan manages to give her another smile. They move on to talking about end of school stuff and future plans. Nathan concentrates on that stuff instead of worrying about what might or might not happen on prom night.  
###

*First Time

Sneaking out under the Rev’s noise is kinda exciting. Nathan has a picnic blanket and other covers for them once the evening gets cold. Watching the stars makes all their problems seem insignificant and small. They keep making wishes, whispering them to each other. After a while they fall silent, just watching the meteors go by. They are huddled together under a blanket because the evening is getting cold. 

Hannah starts kissing the side of Nathan’s neck and it’s nice. Nathan turns to look at her and she kisses him. Nathan decides to go with it. He really likes her and Hannah’s been nice and patient and what she’s doing does feel nice. They are kissing and she is opening his shirt. He’s still somewhat uncomfortable with showing skin but they’ve worked on that before. She’s almost laying on top of him, one hand on his chest, the other buried in his hair.

“Do you wanna do this,” Hannah asks, out of breath. Nathan just nods and pulls her head back down to kiss her. That continues for a while. Then Hannah takes off her own shirt and now she’s just in her bra. OK, that makes it more real. He touches her breasts gently through the bra and Hannah moans. He likes it when she moans. 

She sits up on his thighs, digs into her pocket and takes out a condom. OK, so they’re *really* doing this. Nathan’s nerves flare up. Hannah notices, “You OK?”  
‘C’mon, Nathan, be a man, you can do this. You *want* to do this, right?’ His dick certainly seems to.  
He gives Hannah a nervous smile. “Just, a bit nervous.”

Hannah smiles back at him, “To be honest, me too.” Then she leans down on him again and gives him a gentle kiss. “We can go as slow as you need.”

They do, and some of it is awkward and some of it is beautiful and afterwards, they are lying together, naked and happy, watching the end of the meteor shower. 

“Best meteor shower, ever.” Nathan whispers into Hannah’s ear and kisses her temple.  
“Yeah. Are you… fine with this?”  
“Yeah. I really like you, Hannah.”  
“I really like you, too, Nathan.”

They lay together silently for a while longer. Nathan’s still not sure he gets all the fuss about sex but he’s not sorry he did it.  
“Let me take you home.”

They get dressed and Nathan walks Hannah a block from her house. They share one last kiss before Hannah sneaks back inside, and the Rev doesn’t know a thing.  
Nathan walks home, happy. Maybe he can be normal, after all. 

### 

*After Graduation

School ends and they graduate. Nathan is getting really excited about finally moving away from home, to see now places and new people. They are hanging out in Nathan’s room, and he’s excitedly talking about his plans to Hannah a little after graduation, but she doesn’t share his enthusiasm. In fact, she seems upset about something.  
“Hey, Hannah, is there something wrong?”  
Hannah can’t help but start crying a little. “I’m not going.”  
Nathan is confused, “Going where?”  
“College. I can’t go. Not yet anyway. The Rev needs me here.” She wipes her tears away, “I mean, I understand, it’s been tough for him, after Mom. And I can always go later.”

Nathan tries to swallow his anger. The Rev is a manipulative asshole but he was hoping he wasn’t this bad. “You shouldn’t let him do this to you.”  
Hannah gets a bit angry, “I’m not. I’m not completely happy about it, but maybe it’s for the best.”  
“Sorry.” 

For a while there is awkward silence, both trying to figure out what to do with the information.  
“Do you… Do you wanna try to do a long distance thing? I mean, Orono is not that far, I could come visit during the weekends or--”  
“Nathan, no. You can’t afford that. And I don’t… I don’t want to keep you stuck in Haven. I know you don’t want that.”  
“I care about you.”  
“I know. I care about you too. Which is why I want you to get out, see who you are outside all of this.”  
“You deserve that too.”  
“I will. Eventually. Now is just not the right time.”  
“I really wanted to do this with you. We were supposed to get out together.”  
“I know. But you are a great person, Nathan. You will find someone else. I don’t want you to wait for me, or anything like that. I’m probably not going to wait for you.”

Nathan bites his lip to try to keep his feelings in check. It’s been hard enough to get to this point with Hannah. He’s not sure he wants to go through all this again anytime soon.  
“I wanted to be with you,” he whispers.  
“I’m sorry, Nathan.”  
“I think you should leave now.”

Hannah takes Nathan’s hand and squeezes it briefly, gives his cheek a kiss before leaving. Nathan closes his eyes to hide his reactions.  
###

After Hannah leaves, Nathan lets out the sob he was holding back. He throws himself on his bed and just starts crying, covering his head with a pillow. He hasn’t really cried in years. He knows he’s gonna end up with a headache afterwards but he doesn’t care. He loses track of time, but at some point he can hear the door. Garland’s home. He doesn’t try to muffle his crying like he would usually do. Soon, Garland is knocking on his door. Nathan can’t stop crying enough to answer. He doesn’t really know whether he wants Garland to see him like this. 

The choice is taken from him when he feels the dip on his bed. He can feel his Dad’s hand on his back. He removes the pillow from on top of his head, moves it under it. He is not looking at Garland. He takes a moment to try to calm down his feelings enough to talk. His Dad lets him take the time.

”Hannah broke up with me. She’s not going to UMaine, not right now, anyway. So she left me.”  
Garland doesn’t say anything, but Nathan suspects he knows the Rev is involved in all this. Maybe he thinks about commenting on how Hannah is a Driscoll, and that carries certain significance, which is what he was trying to tell Nathan at the beginning, but Nathan doesn’t want to hear any of it. For once he wants to forget about Haven bullshit and just deal with a broken heart. 

Nathan is surprised when his Dad starts stroking his hair. “I’m sorry, son. Be sad now, but you will eventually be OK.”  
It’s the most fatherly his Dad has been in months (maybe years). For a moment Nathan is not sure how to react. So he goes with instinct, sits up on the bed and hugs his Dad and starts to cry again. Nathan can tell his Dad feels awkward about it, but after a moment he hugs him back, continues stroking his hair and tells him  
”You’re going to find someone, son. OK?” Nathan nods against his father’s shoulder and continues crying. It ends up being the last time in a long while that Nathan really feels like they are a father and son. 

###  
*1x2 Butterfly 

Seeing Hannah again, for the first time in, damn, has it been a decade? It might have been. Anyway, seeing her again, it brings up memories Nathan has tried to avoid. In some ways, he’s still as confused as he was when he was with Hannah. He’s not sure whether being with her in college would’ve clarified anything, but she was his first heartbreak, and that will always carry meaning. 

He’s sad to see she hasn’t been able to completely get a break from the Rev (but who is he to talk about breaking of unhealthy dynamics with fathers?). But he is happy to see she did manage to become an accountant, and raising Bobby does seem to bring her happiness. 

Her bringing up her regrets about their relationship brings up a few for him too. He’s pretty sure he could’ve been happy and content with her. But now, that he’s finally starting to accept who (what) he really is, that the Troubles are back, what all of it means… She’s a Driscoll, and he’s-- Troubled. Could it have worked? She will be a good parent for Bobby, he’s sure of it, but… Things are the way they are, and there is no use dwelling on regrets. 

He hopes things will work out for Hannah and Bobby. He kinda wishes he’d really said something to Hannah before she left. But he’s not good with words and he hopes she knows anyway. Maybe he’ll give her a call sometime, check up on Bobby. Let her know that he does regret things too, but he also understands her choices. 

He hopes they will both end up happy, even though it won’t be with each other.


	6. Blind dating

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Post-college and pre-1x1 Welcome to Haven

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had too many thoughts on this to keep this as part of the Jess chapter. That chapter is hopefully coming soon.  
> Happy Asexual Awareness Week!
> 
> TW contains mention of vomiting.  
> The actually earlier chapters will hint a bit at the issue of 'is this stuff bcus of Nathan's Trouble or bcus of his demi-ness', but this one ends up dealing with that quite a bit, through Nathan's double denial (of his Trouble and his demi-ness) though.

When Nathan gets back to Haven after college and the police academy, he doesn’t think about dating much. He is busy starting his career and showing that he’s earned everything despite his father being the Chief. Not dating doesn’t bother him. But after everything gets settled more, Laverne, Rosemary and Eleanor start setting him up on blind dates with women. (Gloria even sets up a few dates with guys, which Nathan mostly appreciates, although those often lead some confusion for Nathan and his lack of a proper label) Not too often, but often enough that Nathan starts to get the underlying pity and worry from the older women. It bothers him. He’s not very sociable, so most of the dates are disasters, and he wishes they would let him pursue whatever relationship he wants when and if he wants one. 

But he understands they just want what’s best for him, and since one disaster of a date usually gives him weeks if not months of peace, he goes on them. Since Haven is a pretty small town, Nathan semi-knows a lot of his dates. Many of them also remember him, sometimes only through rumors, though. Those dates rarely go well, because Nathan was a freak and a geek, a goody two shoes with a cop father, death mother and some infamous bullying incidents. “You’re the kid with all those tacks!” “Didn’t you break or arm and not notice it?” “How many times did your Dad end up breaking up a party?” Those types of ‘shared memories’ were common, and those dates barely lasted until the desert. Nathan is not very interested in reminiscing his teen years. His dates usually do not feel like moving on from those incidences either. 

A few times a first date even leads to second and third ones. He ends up sleeping with a few people that last long enough, partly because he feels like he should and partly because he *doesn’t* want to end up alone. He would like one of the relationships to last, but none of them end up doing so. 

One of his last dates before his Trouble comes back, is a woman named Tina. Nathan doesn’t remember whose suggestion she was but Nathan can see pretty soon that the date won’t go well. They start with awkward small talk. No one usually talks about the Troubles. For most it’s an open secret. Nathan is not quite there yet. He prefers to ignore those two years he couldn’t feel anything. People might talk about the events, but no one talks about his condition that made them possible. 

Until Tina. She is frank and blunt and while they are slowly eating their appetizers, with Nathan trying to find something to say, Tina point blank asks him,

“OK, so you are that kid who didn’t feel anything for a couple of years because of his Trouble right?” Nathan has no time to say anything, he just freezes and quietly starts freaking out before Tina continues, “I know you’ve been serial blind dating for years now. You trying to get laid a lot before your Trouble comes back? Because you’re hot, and I wouldn’t mind some meaningless sex.”

Nathan’s jaw is hanging slightly open, he is squeezing his fork so hard his nails are digging in his palm. He’s barely met her and she’s talking about the Troubles and sex and about the apparent rumors about Nathan, and he feels sick.

“Um, no. Sorry, I need to go to the bathroom,” he manages to say before practically running there. When he gets there he throws up. After he has emptied his stomach, he stays in the stall, breathing heavily. He feels like he’s panicking. He buries his face on his knees and his hands in his hair. He keeps telling himself ‘It wasn’t a Trouble, it was a medical condition, and it went away, it won’t come back’. (There is a part deep inside himself that knows he’s lying, but he’s not ready to acknowledge that)

He’s not that wild about the idea of sex with a practical stranger either. It feels… wrong, to him, somehow. He knows that it’s normal and a lot of people do, but it has just never been him. Knowing that people assume he sleeps around makes him feel uncomfortable. Sex is something he wouldn’t think about much if society wasn’t so damn obsessed with it. He’s barely felt comfortable having sex in relationships, let alone with people he’s only recently met. He’s done that, of course, occasionally, but those situations haven’t really developed into proper relationships, either and he’s not sure how he feels about that. He knows he’s too old to be a late bloomer, but sometimes he kinda still feels like that. Like there is something missing in him. Maybe the idiopathic neuropathy (his Trouble) fucked him up like this, he wonders sometimes. Which is why he hates being put in this situation. 

He walks back to the table and tells Tina he’s really not feeling well and he has to leave. He tells Tina to stay and enjoy her dinner and he leaves her some money to pay for it. Tina tries to set up another date, but Nathan rebuffs her. Nothing will ever happen between them, and Nathan wants to get out of the restaurant as quickly as possible.  
***  
No one even attempts to set him up for the next few months, and Nathan is grateful. And then Duke Crocker comes back, and Nathan’s condition (Trouble) soon follows. (Nathan spends a lot of time not thinking of it as a Trouble. Because it’s not. It can’t be. He has no family history of those. He has a medical diagnosis. He’s not ready to accept what it really is, and won’t be for years) No one shows serious interest in Nathan after that (people flirt at him, but Nathan mostly can’t tell when they do), which he finds both a blessing (people leave him alone more) and a curse (he can’t help thinking whether this is his wrongness is getting worse).

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> About the ever-changing chapter order, this will probably stay as the 4th chapter. I am really trying to write the 2 college chapters and the Jess chapter so these can finally be in order.


	8. Partners

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Up to 1x4 Consumed, Nathan thinks about his partnership (and maybe more) with Audrey.

Nathan's never really had a partner before. Haven is a small town, and when things are normal, when the Troubles aren't active, there are not that many cases that require the constant input from two people. He's liked it that way. No need for small talk, even though he knows everyone's names and does like to know about the basic developments in the lives of his co-workers. He's never been good at making friends, and being the boss' son and Troubled sometimes affects his relationships but he gets along well enough with his co-workers. 

But having a partner? Someone he can trust to have his back, since they don't have a SWAT team in Haven. Someone to talk cases with and who helps him deal with paperwork. Someone he can talk about the Chief to. To joke around with, even if some of it is kinda in his expense.To figure out with whether the case is a normal cat lady and drunken sailor case or 'affects weather', 'music that robs or gives you your sanity' type case. Someone to have pancakes with after a tough day. Someone who cares when he gets hurt, physically and emotionally. Someone he can help in return. He hasn't had one, before Audrey. He likes it. 

When he found Audrey Parker in her car, clinging over a cliff because of those mystery cracks, he never thought he would get something like this. She wasn't supposed to stay, he was supposed to keep her unaware of the Troubles. It didn't matter that she found out about his own, he has a medical diagnosis to hide behind. Like he did for years. 

But she's staying, for now. Wanted to know more about the woman in the Colorado Kid picture. But that was also supposed to be temporary, so he dug into his denial skills and acted like seeing a man's necklace turn into a magnet is something that happens in places that *aren't * Haven. She didn't buy it, so he eased up on that a little. But she doesn't understand what it's like to grow up in Haven as Troubled. The secrecy that is installed into you from childhood. Outsiders can't know. It's as simple as that. 

It's almost good they have his awkward high school relationship to hash out, keeps her from prying too much into things she shouldn't. Easier to say that the Rev hates him for being with Hannah, than to tell her that part of the reason was because of *what* he is. 

But then the Rev had to open his big mouth and shout about the Troubles, about Nathan being one of them, and he had to tell Audrey. He wasn't ready to do that yet when they were driving off to save Bobby, but when she told him the Chief offered her a job, Nathan knew it was time. She was staying, and he'd kept quiet about this for too long. 

He can't look at her but he tells her the story of his broken arm and Lisa Bottke's throwing up. The numbness that followed. (He's not ready to talk about how it happened this time) He's known Audrey for a week, yet for some reason he feels comfortable with her. He can be open with her about his fears. He doesn't really remember what it was like when he was a kid, but he's already worried about this cycle. Audrey would be a great help. She seems to have knack for these cases. And she's up for pancakes at any time. That's a great quality in a partner. 

*** 

It's fun to deal with these cases with someone else. It's good to have an additional opinion on what might be going on, Troubled or normal. 

(He tells her that she'll stay in Haven, beyond her leave and being on loan, and he finds himself really wanting her to stay. It's been so long since he had anyone like that) 

But Nathan is soon reminded just how terrible the Troubles can be. He loses his sanity for 2 hours, during which he does who knows what. Judging by Duke's state and Audrey's worry, it must have been bad. He'll need to check himself for injuries later. But he can cope with all that. 

After the end of the case, Audrey comes with news. She has a name. He's really happy for her. He's been making fun of her for liking these Troubled cases so much, but he likes the fact that she's so good at them. She knows how to fix them all. Maybe she'll fix him, too. He says is as a joke, almost, and Audrey takes it as one. 

_”No one can fix you.”_

He wasn't being serious. At all, when he asked her that. But he knows she doesn't mean it as a bad thing. Maybe there's nothing in him that needs fixing. He can't quite believe that. But they are not seriously talking about this anyway. 

*** 

A few days later, Nathan finds Audrey at the Farmer's Market, as part of a very weird possible crime scene. He feels kinda bad that her one effort of having some normal fun was hijacked by the Troubles, but at least he gets to see her. The case is odd and interesting too. It's so localized that it has to be a Trouble. But whose? And why? 

After they've finished talking to the hen farmer, Audrey laughs on their way back to the Bronco. 

”What's so funny?” 

”You,” is all Audrey says but at Nathan's incomprehension, she continues, ”That woman was so hitting on you. Didn't you notice?” 

”Um, no, I didn't. When?”

Audrey just says ”Wow,” laughs again and steps into the Bronco. Nathan laughs too, still confused but moving on. 

Next stop is Benjy's ice cream parlor because some teenagers got sick from the ice cream, and it's one of those moments that show how different their backgrounds are. Nathan never even considered the supposed issues with having the store where the cows are, because, seriously, how awesome is it that you can meet the cows who made your ice cream? Benjy's been around longer than he's been alive and there hasn't been any issues. Until now. But that's on Troubles, not the cows.

When they get back into the station, Audrey finds the local attire Nathan left for her. Since she decided to stay for a while, she's been complaining about how she feels like such an outsider. 

_”You wanna be local, helps to look like one.”_

_”Thanks, Nathan. But I thought I just had to squint a lot and leave out half my words.”_

_”Be a start.”_

It's fun to banter like this. Making jokes, giving each other shit like this. It's fun and good natured. He wants her to feel at home here. He wants Haven to become her home. She deserves to find a home.

But before she can try anything on (but not before she comments distastefully about UMaine's Black Bears) they need to go check out the situation at the Second Chance Bistro and the McShaws. 

_Nathan: Hey, Bill._  
_Bill McShaw: Hiya, Nathan.  
_Nathan: This is Officer Parker, my new partner.__

__

It feels really good to call Parker his partner. He never thought that was what he wanted, what he needed, but he is finding Audrey to be everything he didn't know he needed or wanted, and he hopes it's the same to her. He really likes having a partner.  


*** 

This isn't a date. At all. Just because they have to dress up a little bit nicer for the reopening of the Second Chance doesn't mean anything. They are partners, working a case. The restaurant is a target, somehow, and they need to figure out what is going on. The fact that Audrey looks gorgeous in her blue dress and Duke's presense between bothers the hell out of him doesn't mean anything. He's always bothered by Duke. And he can appreciate having a good looking partner. That's all. 

\---

Once they figure out the case and Nathan has to lie about his own existence, about what is going on in his town ( _Can't have Katerina thinking this town is full of freaks_ ), he appreciates Audrey checking up on him. He could get used to stuff like that. 

The next day, when Nathan enters their office and sees Audrey dressed up in the fisherman's hat and flannel, Nathan is not sure what his feelings are doing. She looks good, and cute. He didn't think about what she would look like in the clothes he got her, he just wanted to be nice, but that's a weirdly appealing look on Audrey. It's odd. (He's odd. Is he actually into that?) He better change the subject to Audrey's continued terrible thing with cars.

_"You live in both Havens, and I think that will be very useful."_

_"Might be."_ Nathan's never though his Trouble could be particularly useful, that his connection to the weirdness of this town might be a good thing. Audrey is really getting him to re-evaluate a lot of things. 

Then she shows him her winter shoes and tells him to be quiet with a smile on her face, and Nathan is just really glad to have Audrey in his life.


	9. Jess Minnion

When Nathan’s Trouble came back, he started a slow but sure development of isolating himself from other people. It was easier to deal with not feeling anything when he didn’t have to be reminded of it by people touching him. In some ways, Nathan preferred it. No one tried to get him to date, because no one wanted to date a freak.

Audrey’s arrival changes things. She likes him, and accepts his condition, even though she doesn’t understand it. It helps him accept himself better, and slowly he starts to change. He starts to open up, become more ‘normal’, again. It’s nice to have a partner.

And then, meeting Jess Minion is… interesting. She knows exactly who (and what) he is. And she likes it, likes him. She’s knowledgeable about Haven and its Troubles, without being defined by them like so many Havenites are. She only knows the legends and stories, she didn’t live with them. That allows her to have a different perspective on them. On Nathan. He has a hard time thinking of the Troubles, *his* Trouble as magic. As something good and positive. But her words stick with him. (If he’s honest with himself, he kinda wanted Jess to be Troubled. It’s an awful thing to wish for, but Nathan’s not really meant for someone normal)

But even after he knows they weren’t said from personal experience, that Jess is not Troubled, not a witch, Nathan still finds himself intrigued, even though at first he didn’t know how to react. Maybe he could change, start seeing himself more like the way Jess does (and the way Audrey does, but Nathan’s not sure how he sees Audrey, so he’d rather not think about that). It feels weird being wanted after so many years, but Nathan kinda wants to see where it might go. Pancakes aren’t really that important, anyway.

***(1x7)  
Nathan really doesn’t know how to do this. What little he knew, he’s forgotten over the years. He feels so confused and uncomfortable with Jess’ apparent attempt to hit on him and ask him out. It’s embarrassing to not realize Jess is here for personal and not cop reasons. It’s made worse by the obvious amusement Audrey gets from his lack of social skills. (But since she is so good natured about it all, it’s also nice to have someone like that in his life, too)  
He tries to blame his lack of dating experience on his Trouble, even though he knows it’s not the whole story. Audrey doesn’t buy it either. While he kinda appreciates Jess’ attempt to not hit on him at work, he wishes she’d just been blunt and asked him out. He’s not very good at reading between the lines.

It’s made worse by the Troubles rearing their ugly head again, and instead of Nathan trying his best to figure out how to behave on a date, he gets caught up in work. This case is especially awful because the M.O.s are so different yet seemingly deliberate. It doesn’t make sense. And then he get the brilliant idea of getting Jess’ help on the case right when someone loses his goddamn *face*. 

He shouldn’t have exposed Jess to this. The Troubles are dangerous, his life is dangerous, he shouldn't put Jess in danger like this. One needs to be a very particular type of person to deal with the Troubles (if his father has ever made him believe anything, it’s that) and everyone else should stay the hell out. Jess is not that type of person, she doesn’t have to deal with the Troubles, and he should try to drag him into this. It’s wrong, he’s not worth it.

So he yells at Jess. He probably shouldn’t have, but he also shouldn’t have gotten her involved in the first place, so it’s for the best. For everyone. Jess shouldn’t get involved with this.  
\---  
After the case is done, he’s not sure how he feels. He feels bad for yelling at Jess, and he wants to spend some time with her. She at least deserves an apology for his behavior.  
He takes one of the fancy wines Duke brought and makes his way to Jess’ place. She is more forgiven than Nathan expected. They have a nice night, some wining and dining, including some making out on the couch. But that’s all. He has an early morning, and he’s still not quite sure about how to take the next step. He kinda wishes he was younger, so he had more time to adjust to this dating stuff.

***(1x8)

Nathan might not have stayed the night at Jess’ place but he does still want to see her in the morning. He even decided to try Jess’ coffee, even though it sounds more like a desert than a coffee. He’s not really sure how this whole ‘dating’ thing works, but he thinks he’s doing pretty good.

Jess clearly wants to take things to the next level, and while Nathan is not opposed to that, he’s just… unsure. About a lot of it. He hasn’t had sex in a long time. In years. He’s not sure how his Trouble affects things. He worries about that.  
He’s also not quite sure about his feelings. He likes Jess. He thinks he like-likes Jess, but he’s still not sure something is not missing. He should be more excited about ending his dry spell, right? Jess is an amazing woman and of course he knows that sex is a part of a normal relationship. He should try to get over his issues, but he’s not quite sure how.

Jess’ impromptu visit at the station gives him mixed feelings. He’s glad to see her, and get dinner, but PDA makes him uncomfortable and the topic of their relationship and its lack of action, is not really something he would like have a discussion about. He’s just so uncomfortable. 

When Audrey notices Nathan being avoidy about meeting Jess, she calls him out on that. He’s not quite comfortable talking about this stuff. He never has been. But he’s lucky that he has Audrey. Audrey doesn’t let him keep everything in, she makes him talk. Sometimes he really needs that.

\---  
Bringing up his Trouble, his condition, the possible limitations… Nathan really hates that. Exposing himself like this. Jess’ reaction is unexpected. He wasn’t sure how he was feeling about it all. The fact that Jess hadn’t even considered it might affect things… Nathan’s not sure whether that’s good or bad. He does like that she is braver than he is and just goes for it. Helping him figure out how to do this. Her confidence helps him too.

It’s kind of an out of body experience to have someone tell you have an erection, because you can’t feel it. It’s a pretty weird feeling but with Jess it’s fine though. She likes what Nathan’s doing, she is sympathetic to his situation. Maybe he can actually do this. 

But there is a part of Nathan that is a bit too glad about the phone call. He's getting there, he's enjoying the situation (well, at least inside his head) but the distraction is not completely unwelcome. He's glad to make a plan for tomorrow though. He can do this. Be normal.  
\---  
Nathan doesn't react well to Jess getting hurt. She should stay far away from the Troubles, and to think she might have gotten hurt, inadvertently or not, because of him, because of his case, he can't stand it. He can't stand not really being able to do anything. Audrey again keeps him in check, which he's grateful for. He just.. he wants to fix things. Jess didn't deserve to be hurt like this.

\-- 

The 10 seconds Nathan let's himself believe Jess is just going away for a bit, that he could take some time off from Haven and be with her, he likes the idea. He likes Jess and he likes the person being with Jess is helping him become. But he should've known. He doesn't deserve normal. Normal stays far away from him, and so should Jess. Nathan couldn't protect her and she will be better off far away from Haven and him. It hurts. But it's his fault, for hoping for a different, better outcome.

***(1x9)

Nathan is touched that Audrey asks him about Jess, even though it's her birthday party. Of course he wouldn't miss it, even though he is still trying to wrap his head around both Jess' leaving (he wasn't exactly kidding about the patsy Cline and drinking) and being able to feel Audrey. Now is not the right time to deal with that though. This is Audrey's weekend. The way she affects his Trouble is irrelevant.

\--

He's not sure how he feels about Jess changing Audrey's present. Maybe the scarf ended up being a better choice than the blouse, but in the end, it helped him figure out that somehow, Audrey was the chameleon. Having to kill someone who looked like Audrey really didn't help Nathan deal with his emotions over... anything. 

***(1x10)  
_Nathan: A guy like me, can’t feel anything, meets a woman, discovers he can feel her touch. Sounds like fate doesn’t it?_  
_Duke: But Jess left you anyway. Which is sad, but it’s not fate._  
_Nathan: Never mind.  
_

He's not sure why he's talking to *Duke* about this. Maybe it's just because Duke there, and he needs to talk about this to someone. Even though he wasn't talking about Jess (the enjoyment he got from here was purely visual and in his head), hearing Duke mention her name still kinda hurts. He doesn't even want to know how the Haven rumor mill characterizes that interlude in his life and what Duke knows about it. But he's also not ready to talk about Audrey, and actually feeling her, so he let's the topic drop. Duke let's him do that, and he's grateful for that.


	10. Touch and Feeling (end of 1x8-1x13)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dealing with the literal feels!

Jess left, and it hurts. He thought he could get something normal, but that's not for him, clearly. "The Troubles tend to find you." It's true. He wishes it wasn't, but it is. He tries to not show to Audrey how much this hurts but she can tell. 

"You were right, I never really had any friends. But I do now. And so do you." 

He's not sure how to take her words. He appreciates them but he can't quite deal with them right then. 

And then a miracle happens. 

Audrey leans over to him, and kisses his cheek. He didn't expect that. Audrey respects his personal space, they don't really touch. Certainly not skin on skin. But Audrey gives him this nice gesture, and at first that's all it can be. 

Then he realizes what happened. His hand goes to his cheek, to touch himself where she touched him and then... He felt that. He felt that kiss. Audrey's soft lips against his cheek. 

Despite all his efforts the night before, he never physically felt anything with Jess. It's been *years*, he thought he'd forgotten all about what it's like, and maybe he did, but now it's back. For a few seconds, Audrey Parker kissed his cheek and he felt alive. Real. 

He has no idea how to process this. He doesn't have time to. He can't tell Audrey yet, not when he has no idea what it means. But that thought is always at the back of his head now. If he touches Audrey, he can feel her. Why? 

*** 

He’s happy to go to Audrey’s birthday party. She deserves it and it gives him a break from thinking about Jess, and trying to figure out why he can feel Audrey. He wasn’t totally joking about the ‘drinking Jack and Patsy Cline’ thing but Audrey doesn’t need to know the whole picture yet. He’s just so confused about so many things right now. 

He can't stop himself from watching Audrey. It’s like he’s starting to see her differently. It’s a new awareness of her. Having the knowledge that if he touched her, if she touched him, he'd feel it. But it’s more than that. Audrey’s his partner, his friend, and he hasn’t had many of those. He doesn’t want to push or scare her away. 

He was hoping he could leave Jess behind like she did to him, but he can’t. He’s glad to have someone who cares enough to ask how he’s doing. But it’s also suspicious, because one of them is dead and the Troubles just won’t leave him alone (Jess was right about that). He’s not sure how he feels about Jess switching Audrey’s presents without telling him. Was there something more to it than preferring a scarf over a sweater? She did say ‘it’s always Audrey’, and Nathan is not totally convinced she was just referring to his lacking social life. But that stuff doesn’t matter anymore, because Jess is gone and everyone is so very quick to buy him as the chameleon. 

(Was it because he’s Troubled? Why would anyone want his numb body anyway? Would his Trouble carry on to the chameleon? If it didn’t, they could have just tested his Trouble and been done with it.) 

Audrey untied and he's still so angry at his father and everyone else for not believing him he doesn't question it. The Agatha Christie game they are playing almost makes him forget the new revelation about Audrey. It’s not until he has a moment to really think about things, even as he mourns Eleanor’s loss and wonders about those damn cracks again, he realizes that something is wrong. He should have felt Audrey untying him. It should have been brief lingering moments of feeling, of realness against his hands, his wrists. But there was nothing. Dread envelopes his whole being. 

She’s standing right next to him and the test is easy enough. She trusts him, just as he trusted her. He takes a hold of her hand and there’s *nothing*. That means… he doesn’t want to think about that, he holds onto her hands as tightly as he can, willing feeling to emerge. But there’s nothing. 

_”Are you OK?”_ it asks and Nathan doesn’t have in him to lie, to contain what he’s feeling. He’s not even sure about what those feelings *are*, he just knows it hurts and he needs to be sure, he needs to… He needs to kiss her. The lack of feeling against his hands, against lips (just days ago he felt those so soft lips against his cheek and he was a real boy again, but now he’s back to *nothing*) is the worst feeling he has ever (not-)felt, but knowing Audrey is dead is even worse, and it needs to pay. 

He takes out the gun he picked up earlier and he shoots it like it’s nothing, but it costs him everything. Because he’s lost everything. 

_”You killed my friend.”_. Such insignificant words but he was only beginning to understand everything she was to him, and it’s unbearable. 

Having to tell this thing his newest, deepest secret, ( _”Audrey. I can feel her touch. I can’t feel yours.”_ ) feels like another violation. Audrey never knew how special she was, how important. 

_”She should have died.”_

Nathan has no energy to hide what he’s feeling, the pain, the hope, it’s all there for anyone to see and he doesn’t care. He needs Audrey back, he needs her to be safe. He needs her. 

He feels awkward and self conscious, afterwards. Feelings are terrible things to expose to the world, they can get you hurt. He doesn’t know what Audrey feels, he barely knows what he feels, and he’s not ready to tell Audrey about feeling her. He doesn’t know what any of it means. He just hopes Audrey forgives him for it later. Sharing middle names is a good way to get back on friendly track, though. 

*** 

It’s weird to be the one calling for an investigation into a weird case but Audrey seems distracted from the fact that Duke finally spilled the beans about his involvement with the Colorado Kid picture. Nathan knew he was in the picture but he had no idea he knew Lucy or anything like that. He hopes she finds some answers, even though it annoys him that it requires not only her having to spend so much time with Duke but that it involves Duke’s constant visits to the station. (What’s so hot about dating a babysitter anyway? Sounds weird.) 

But he likes the way they are now. Likes the touches he doesn’t expect, like a high five for black coffee. He almost forgot he would feel her, palm against palm, the sting of it, until after it happened. He tries not to think too much of the possibilities. He doesn’t want to use Audrey, or freak her out. Sometimes it’s hard though. 

At the pool, there’s just something about the glow, the closeness, he had to hold onto his own hands to keep from touching her. Accidental touch would be so easy, but he doesn’t want to be like that. He doesn’t want their relationship to be like that. So he extends his hand and she takes it and… he never thought how amazing it would be to shake someone’s hand, and to feel it. It feels like such a normal, everyday, nothing special. But everything is special with Audrey. He has to take a break, blame his nose. He doesn’t want to lie to her, but he’s still not ready for her to know. 

He’s not quite sure what compels him to almost tell Duke of all people. The talk of fate just gets to him. Sometimes he feels like he had no choice but to make the choices he’s made, take his part in Haven’s society. And feeling someone when you don’t feel *anything* (not a plastic fork, not a toothpick, not a burning gun in your hand), that’s gotta mean something, right? But that’s all stuff he’s not quite ready to actually deal with. 

*** 

Audrey disappears from a night off she never takes, with her boss making surprise visit, no one answering their phone and the Chief, his father, wants to eat shrimp and talk. This is a very terrible night for Nathan. He barely eats, doesn’t really go home and he’s lacking in answers, and he hates that. He worries about her, breaks into her computer (he’ll have to tell her about it) and when he finally hears her voice on the radio, he feels indescribably relieved. Even dredging up terrible childhood memories of loss and pain and neglect doesn’t erase the joy of her being OK. When she’s finally back on shore, he has to fight the urge to hug her, tell her how worries he was. But it’s not the time. 

( _She’s not your girlfriend._ rings in his ears, and those are the types of words he can’t quite deal with yet.) 

*** 

He kept telling her she’d stay. Not just because of the lead on her mother, and not just because she likes the weird cases. She likes this town. (She likes him) He was right, but he’ll only tell that to her once. More would be excessive. 

According to the forecast, the day is warm which means Nathan chose to wear a simple t-shirt with short sleeves. They walk close to each other, accidental touch of their arms wouldn’t be unusual. He shouldn’t be afraid of those, can’t have her figuring him out by a reaction he shouldn’t have. He should tell her. She’s staying, and maybe Audrey knows something that might explain it. Soon. He needs just a little more time. 

He misses her, during the case. Audrey is a much better partner than Duke. (He still refuses to think too much about that, though.) 

***

Audrey clearly has something else on her mind, she's not hearing what he's saying about the cracks case and she's playing with her badge. It's better for everyone if she goes home to rest for a bit, he can manage without her. He wants to help her but she's not ready to talk, which is fine. He almost touches her hand to convince her to go, and maybe that was the final convincing bit for her. He's gotten decent at this 'don't touch' her thing. (He doesn't trust himself to not want too much, whatever that means) He's getting a hang of it. He never wants to touch her the way she doesn't want. 

The next time he sees her, everything he thought he knew gets ripped out from under him. It's like the opposite of the joy of finding out he can feel her, but this time he finds out his whole life is a lie. He still trusts Audrey though ( _You can say it in front of her._ ). 

Or he thought he could trust her, but then she refuses to tell the Chief that they can help him. There has to be something, he can't lose his father, not now, not like this, not without Audrey even *trying*. 

Grief makes his head fuzzy and he is angry and in pain and Audrey failed him. She fixes him with just her presence but she couldn't even try to help his father. Nathan doesn't wanna look at her, doesn't want to feel this way but he needs to be alone now. 

But he can't even grief properly without badges and revs demanding responsibilities and missions and he needs Audrey. Needs her help, her forgiveness. He needs to fix this. He knows where she is. 

_"If you're going to wear this, we need to be totally honest with each other. What?"_

He was going to tell her anyway, soon. But he taking his hand was so unexpected (still so miraculous) and he didn't have time to supress his reaction. 

_"You felt that."_

_"How long have you known?"_

_"A while,_ " he smiles. He's not quite ready to talk about the kiss. 

Audrey's not mad, but understanding. Upset, but for a related reason. 

"I think you feeling me might be a part of the thing I was trying to tell you about." 

"Lucy's not your mother?" 

_"It's way weirder than that. I am Lucy."_

He almost questions her, but he trusts her. Neither one of them understands what's going on. But maybe they can make sense of it together.


	11. Bi Audrey (1x11)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Post-1x11 The Trial of Audrey Parker, Nathan and Audrey drink and talk about stuff, including sexuality briefly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Note 1: There is a prequel chapter coming up (hopefully), that is the real chapter one, but I got this one ready first, so whatever.  
> Note 2: I don't know how long this whole thematic fic will be, hence '_ Times' instead of '5 Times'. I will explain more thoroughly in the real chapter 1 notes. Basically I wanna put all my demi!Nathan stuff in one fic so this is gonna have a lot of stuff.  
> Note 3: Will hopefully update often, but no guarantees or a set timetable for now.

After the ordeals of the day, including being kidnapped and quitting the FBI, Audrey and Nathan hang out at Audrey's room at the bed and breakfast, drinking a couple of beers. It might bring about some rumors, more so now that Audrey is planning to stay in Haven, but they are ignoring that for now.

"So, how do you feel? Really?"  
"You really wanna talk about feelings, Wuornos?"

Nathan smiles his half smile and rubs his neck. His tone is gently teasing, "Why do people keep acting like I don't have feelings just because I don't have a sense of touch? And yes. I am ready for feelings. Garland Wuornos might not be, but I am." Nathan says the last bit the conviction of a slightly drunk person and takes another swig of his beer. Audrey drunk giggles. Nathan has already done some stunted ranted a bit about his father's lousy attempts at bonding. Those two still have so much to sort through. She hopes they eventually do. 

"You know, I have no idea yet. Ask me again, in a week maybe. Let it sink in a bit first." Audrey finishes her beer and goes to get another, which lets her think and consider things a little bit. Which leads her to a thought  
"Oh, god! Should I start looking for a proper place to live? I've rarely had much stability in my life. How do you stay in one place for a consistent period of time?"  
The last question is squarily aimed at Nathan, when Audrey sits right by him on the floor where they are leaning against the bed. She's close. So close, that an accidental touch might happen. Nathan squeezes a little more closely to the wall, away from Audrey. He doesn't need any incentives, like a physical touch, to do something he's pretty sure he's not ready for.

"You've been here for months now. You just, you continue staying here, maybe empty your suitcase. We could go watch some real estate around here, if you want." After his tipsy mind realizes what he just implied, he quickly adds, "I mean, I could go *with* you, if you want the help."

"Hm. I've gotten kinda used to this room. It's nice and cozy. But something bigger and more permanent would be nice. I will gladly accept your help." Audrey taps her hand to the floor, making Nathan look down at it and see just how close it is. She's not touching him, and she won't. Because she gets it. Audrey is smiling at him, and she looks... excited, like someone who is starting a new section in her life should look. He gives her a smile of his own, a proper one, and repeats her taps on the floor. No touching, but still close.

For a moment, they are both caught up in their own thoughts. Nathan's eyes are closed while he tries to clear his head. Audrey just stares at her wall thoughtfully. She will stay in Haven. She's decided that. It's not a break, she's not on loan, no more Agent, just Detective. She's going to have to really develop these relationships she's started forming since she got to Haven. The guy sitting next to her very much included. That means opening up. Sharing things. It's not that she feels like she isn't open about certain things, but since she's staying, developing relationships, being explicit about stuff might not be a bad idea. She trusts Nathan. She wants to show that to him. The alcohol helps her make the decision.

"Hey, Nathan." Nathan opens his eyes and looks back at her. "You know that I'm bi, right?" Maybe not the best way to phrase it, but it does it's job.  
Nathan only looks slightly thoughtful for a moment before nodding. "Not totally, but yeah." At Audrey's silence, he adds, "You've proposed marriage to at least two women since you've been here." He shrugs. What's more there to stay.

"Well, I was mostly joking."  
"I figure that. Still." He really wants to hold her hand. Not just for the touch but what it really *means*. He doesn't though. Instead he taps the floor and moves his hand slightly closer to Audrey's, to get the point across. "Thank you for telling me. Not that you had to, or anything. It's your business." Nathan's stumble over his words makes Audrey slightly snap "Well, maybe I want you in my business!" slightly too loudly. For a moment both are silent, to figure out how to react to the outburst. 

"I mean, I'm staying. That means, relationships and opening up and sharing and I'm trying to do that, with you, now. Opening up. I'm bisexual. It's who I am, and I want you to know this about me. Sorry. I'm new at this." Audrey's face went through many expressions during her rant, ending in a sheepish smile. 

"I get it. Thank you for sharing." Nathan smiles back at her. Silence falls again between them. There is a slight tension that Nathan knows is because of him. Audrey opened up to him, came out. He feels like he should reciprocate in some way, but he doesn't know how. His romantic history has been a mess, Jess being just the latest example. He's never figured out how he should classify his feelings and experiences, so he usually just ignores all that. But suddenly, there was Jess, who had wanted him. But not enough to actually stay in this freak show. And now there's Audrey. Who is staying. Who he can feel. Who is explicitly making a point of connecting with him now. And he's messing it up.

"You know, this silence might make me think that you are only thinking about threesomes instead of asking me about them, which if that is the case, I appreciate. But also, this is you, so, maybe you're not thinking about that at all."

Nathan looks very confused about Audrey's words, once he feels like his tipsy brain has accurately figured out what she said. "People bring up threesomes when you tell them you're bi? Why?"

Audrey looks back at Nathan slightly suspiciously. Is he for real? "You know, talking about sex, more than one gender to experience attraction to, must mean need to get more people at once."

Nathan's words seem to stop and start multiple times at that, until he settles on "People suck."  
Audrey can't help he smile at her partner. He really is something. "That they do. So, where you thinking of anything in particular, then?"  
While Nathan had misread to reason for the silent tension previously, now it's explicitly on him. He still doesn't really know what to say to Audrey. Before he can really stop himself, he's following his gut feeling and telling her  
"I'm glad you know that about yourself." He breaks eye contact for the next bit and his voice turns into a whisper, "I don't know what I am."

Audrey hopes she doesn't forget the important bits from their conversations in the morning. While she knows how Nathan is uncomfortable with touch, she finds she craves physical touch with him now. She puts her hand lightly on his knee and when Nathan doesn't seem to notice, see whispers, "Nathan," and he looks back at her and notices the hand on his knee. He doesn't do anything to remove it. She takes it as a good thing. Things are getting really serious now, so Nathan should probably order a cab soon. But she needs to say this before the night ends.

"That's OK, too."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel like explaining that whole hands thing here. The idea is, Audrey gets that Nathan doesn't like people touching him. But she wants to give the comfort of hand holding, without actually touching him. And Nathan gets that and returns to gesture. And he can't feel her hand on his knee because pants.


	12. Talking with Duke (2x4)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Set post-2x4 Sparks and Recreation, after Duke and Evi had sex, but not the same night (next night? Haven timeline is confusing).
> 
>  
> 
> _Nathan can't resist a short laugh when he continues, "I still can't believe you're actually, legally, married."_  
>  _Duke gives a mock gasp and clutches his heart. "That's hurtful. But not quite uncalled for. But if we're being honest, I kinda can't believe you're not."_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was originally going to be way later in a general Duke chapter, but then I actually wrote it, so here it is.  
> 

While Audrey is off having drinks with Chris Brody while watching blooming planktons or something, Nathan in turn has decided to have a drink at the Gull. He's not quite sure why. Trying to cleanse himself from the Brody trouble? Trying to ignore how 'Audrey's having drinks with someone else' makes him feel? Doesn't matter, there's no one here to question his motives. Or so Nathan thinks.

"My, Nathan, what brings you to my fine establishment that you usually avoid when I'm around?"

Nathan really doesn't want to talk to Duke right now. About anything. He was really hoping he wouldn't be around.

"Just drinking," Nathan hopes his curt answer would be enough to get Duke to back off, but no.

"Any particular reason?" Duke gives Nathan that usual smirk of his, the one that always kinda makes Nathan think he's trying to trick him into doing something mock worthy.

"If there is, I'd tell you... why?" It seems Duke is finally getting the hint that Nathan is not in the mood to talk about his issues with Duke. Or about anything.

"OK, fair enough," Nathan is about to get back to his beer when Duke suddenly continues, looking like he really needs someone to talk to, "But since you're here... I slept with Evi."

Just like the time Duke tried to ask him for advice on whether to hook up with a former babysitter, Nathan's not really sure why Duke is telling *him*.  
"You had sex with your wife. That has been known to happen." Nathan can't resist a short laugh when he continues, "I still can't believe you're actually, legally, married."  
Duke gives a mock gasp and clutches his heart. "That's hurtful. But not quite uncalled for. But if we're being honest, I kinda can't believe you're not. You're the quintessential small town type. I mean you have your Trouble but... There's got to be more to it than that."

Nathan is trying to give Duke a 'drop it' look but it has no effect on him.

"How come I didn't come back to Haven to find you with a wife and bunch of little Wuornoses playing for the Sea Dogs? Maybe the Chief hadn't been so grumpy if he had grandkids."

Nathan does that thing with his face where he emotionally shuts down, his face going completely blank. He takes a sip of his beer. He has no intention of talking with Duke about his (dead) daddy issues and what Garland Wuornos might have been like with grandkids. Judging by Nathan's own childhood, the Chief couldn't handle kids.

Nathan really wants to drop this discussion. "You do realize that whatever relationship we have, it's not very solid?" Nathan raises an eyebrow. "I mean, this is barely a friendship. You're some of the very last people I'd talk to about my problems or lack there of with marriage." He almost adds 'of kids' but Nathan thinks of Jean and doesn't.

"You'd talk with Audrey, right?" Duke wiggles his eyebrows in a suggestive and obnoxious way.

Nathan rolls his eyes and takes a long swig of his beer. He needs another one soon. He holds up a finger to the bartender who nods at him. Nathan gets his new beer, thanks the waiter and continues looking around the room. Nathan doesn't want to turn back to look at Duke, because he's not ready. To think about, to *not* think about Audrey and marriage and... whatever. It's not like she wants him. She wants Chris. Everybody wants Chris.

His thoughts are interrupted by Duke again, who sounds different now. More... understanding. He turns to look at Duke again.

"But I'm serious, Nathan. All of that", Duke vaguely gestures at Nathan's person, "didn't come from your Trouble. Is there something else?"

Nathan doesn't reply. He doesn't break eye contact when he takes a long swig of his beer. His eyes follow the beer to the table and he ends up staring at the beer bottle in his hand. His hand is slighty wet from the condensation from the bottle. He can't feel the wetness but he can see it.  
He has no idea what Duke expects him to say but he gets that feeling again at the pit of his stomach. The one he always gets when this stuff comes up. He does want a family. Spouse, kids, dogs maybe a cat. There's just something wrong with him and that's why he hasn't gotten any of that. He's not telling that to Duke though.

Nathan picks up a toothpick and starts stabbing his fingers with it. It's a nervous habit he's picked up again. Duke looks at Nathan with something approaching concern and Nathan drops the pick. He takes another swig of his beer, puts it down again, leans a bit closer to Duke to whisper,  
"What's the matter Crocker? Trying to ease your guilt?" 'Of bringing my Trouble back' is the subtext but he's not actually ready to really have that conversation.

He finishes his beer, not wanting to see Duke's reaction. Nathan's tired, he's slightly drunk and he's not really up to playing friends with Duke right now. Especially if the topic continues to be his own various inadequacies. 

Nathan gets up to leave. He's done with public drinking for the night. Duke hasn't replied to what Nathan said. Nathan chances a look at him anyway, he looks thoughtful, maybe there's remorse too but Nathan can't quite tell. Nathan leaves some money on the table and he's about to leave when Duke graps his arm. For a moment neither of them move or say anything. Finally, Duke looks at Nathan and says,  
"Not only. Just trying to understand you a bit better."

Nathan rips his arm from Duke's. He hates surprise touches. Especially from people like Duke. He's not really sure where Duke's words are coming from. For a moment he just stands there, figuring out what to do. Duke is not his friend. He hasn't really been for years. Even when he was, part of Nathan was always waiting for the other shoe to drop, which it often did. Their relationship has never been pretty or simple and Nathan really struggles to understand why Duke wants his help in the first place.

"What kind of help could I, an unmarried guy, actually be for you? Why come to me?"

"You were here," Duke gives his usual smirk. Nathan rolls his eyes at that. Duke gets serious again.

"Sorry. I really want your help. C'mon, Nate. Help me out with Evi."

Nathan sighs. At least he's not the topic of conversation anymore. He wants to leave. He hates dealing with people's love lives. He's not even sure he wants to be friends with Duke. But the idea of going back home to the empty house (it still feels weird to consider the house of his childhood home, especially without both of his parents), with Audrey off with Chris... Maybe he'll stay for a bit longer. He sits back down.

"Fine. Talk."

Duke gives him a seemingly genuine smile and starts talking "OK, so I've told her I still care enough about her to want he as far away as Haven as possible. She doesn't care. She thinks there is an angle here she can exploit. I told her the sex would be just sex, you know?" (Nathan doesn't, but he's not telling Duke that) "But, I don't know. We didn't actually have a good marriage. Still don't. Marriage of two con artists isn't exactly very trust worthy. She isn't. I don't think she trusts me either. But the sex is still fantastic."

Nathan squirms uncomfortably. He can't really relate to anything Duke is saying but he clearly wants and expects a response.

Nathan sighs before shrugging and saying "What exactly is the issue? What do you want with Evi? She seems... very much like you. Is that what you want? I've heard good things about communication. I've heard it might help with trust too." Nathan's voice turns sarcastic towards the end.

"I don't know what I want. Evi was... she was fun, we had some good times, still might. But we keep conning each other, and that doesn't seem healthy."

Nathan shrugs again, "You just need to figure out what you want and whether you want and/or can have that with Evi. Don't know what else I can say about that."

Duke ends up looking thoughtful a moment, before smiling and telling Nathan,

"Thanks buddy. I think this really helped."

Duke's hand is fast moving towards Nathan. 'Don't touch me' he thinks and it's like Duke can actually hear him, because his hand pauses in the air and his hand turns into fingerguns. Nathan quirks an eyebrow, but better that than being touched. Duke orders them one last round of beers and while Nathan can't quite get over Audrey's abscense, the night ends up being decent. Maybe there is potential for a friendship after all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Except for the eventual college chapters, this fic should finally have all the chapters in chronological order. Sorry it's been so messy. 
> 
> On a semi-hiatus on account of my new job.


	13. Chris Brody; Falling for Audrey (2x4-2x12)

Nathan's known of Chris Brody most of his life, the way you do in small towns and mayor's sons. They're close in age but they weren't classmates, and Chris is more openly a misanthrope than Nathan is, so they don't really know each other. Also there's the Cutters thing.

Chris inheriting the Brody Trouble changes things. It makes Nathan feel attracted to Chris every time he looks at him. It's... unsettling. Not because Chris is a man. Nathan doesn't know how to identify exactly but he's had feelings for a man or two. And Chris is a good looking guy. Who's also an arrogant jerk and Nathan never really liked him. Sea Dogs and Cutters is a rivalry that is not easily overcome. (The fact he converted Audrey to the Cutters side just adds insult to injury) He also broke Nathan's dad's watch. He really wished he could have been angry about that during the moment.

But it's not just Chris' personality. It's because Nathan has no control over his reactions to Chris, his brain goes fuzzy and he doesn't like that. Nathan is a very controlled person. He doesn't need something like this clouding his head. Also, the attraction, afterwards, feels fake in a way that he can't explain. There is already something wrong with the way he feels, he doesn't need this to add to it. So he stops looking Chris in the eyes and the attraction goes away. Which is good, because he really doesn't need that fake attraction on top of everything else he has going on.

But he does want Audrey to be happy, so he's supportive of her relationship with Chris. Occasionally, maybe a bit too much. (Talking about her nervousness about a non-date, not his most subtle moment.) But of course, Chris is not the only issue here. It's also Audrey. Audrey with Chris. Audrey *not* with Nathan.

Nathan doesn’t like to think about it much. Seeing Audrey interested in someone is kinda amusing. Maybe he’s trying to do for Audrey what she did to him with Jess. He wants her to be happy, no matter who it is with. And it’s not like Nathan really even… he doesn’t like to think about these things. He cares for Audrey. She’s his dearest friend. The only real friend he’s had in years, maybe ever. It’s just… It’s been easier to not to think about all the implications. Feelings. They’re partners. Anything else is a needless complication he doesn’t have time for. And Audrey didn't seem interested either.

But then the Teagues brothers had to open their big mouths and start making things complicated. He didn't realize it was happening. Not really. He never does. Having someone else verbalize it makes it more… real, than just idle thoughts in Nathan’s head that he can easily ignore (he has a lot of experience with denial).  
He’s not really ready to acknowledge… whatever it is he feels. No matter what the Teagues say, he’s not ready, and Audrey’s with someone else. Possibly an emphasis on ‘with’. Nathan doesn’t like to think about it. (She took Chris’ hand like it was natural and right) 

He tries to concentrate on his search for the real, original Lucy Ripley. He hasn’t made much progress yet, but he wants to, but his mind keeps going back to Audrey. Nathan’s not really ready to… say or do anything, to mess things for Audrey. 

Yet his hand keeps going back to his phone, finding Audrey’s number. After too many attempts, he actually decides to call her. He’s not sure what he would say, but he needs to try anyway.  
But his call goes unanswered. It’s probably better that way. (It still hurts, though)  
****

The feelings simmer quietly inside him for a while. He supports Audrey in her relationship and then break-up with Chris. He gets demoted and promoted again. He doesn't acknowledge the feelings but he knows they're there. Audrey makes him feel differently than anyone else in the past, but neither of them are ready yet.

*** 

_I won't be fine. This isn't about work, you're not just my partner. Not anymore._

He finally told her. He said it. Out loud. To Parker. OK, it's not the most blunt, clear confession, but he was yelling at her out of frustration at the time, so. It was something. She's not immediately rejecting him (and not just because they are currently on a rescue mission) so that's a good sign. Probably.

Afterwards, listening to Audrey's identity crisis, it makes him ache. He hates that she can't see the good she's doing, can't see *who* she is beyond her memories. He sees her so clearly. The things that are *her* and not from her memories and what she can do. No one else exists for Nathan the way Audrey does, and it has very little to do with him being able to feel her touch. It's how they understand each other, how hard she tries to help everyone and how he just wants to help her in anyway he can. 

It's weird to feel like this. He's never really felt like this before. He can't really explain what it is. But his life has changed so much during the last 6 months that Audrey's been in Haven, on the whole for the better, and he doesn't really want to examine them right. (He wouldn't mind some exploration with Audrey, later.)

When he tells her that he found the original Lucy Ripley, Audrey hugs him. The feel of her is amazing, the hug is amazing and he has to pause for a moment, to take it in. She looks so... He did the right thing. Now she just has to go and try to find her answers. He hopes she does come back to him, after, because there is so much he wants to know. He wants her to get answers as much as she does. 

_You're not just my partner, either._

It's everything he's wanted to hear for so long. But still, somehow, he doesn't expect the kiss. It's been so long he doesn't quite know how to react. Audrey's lips are so soft. The kiss says everything they can't yet say out loud. The feel of another person is a pleasant shock to his brain, knowing it's Audrey makes it a thousand times better. The kiss leaves him in a pleasant daze that doesn't dissipate the whole rest of the day. He goes to the Troubled people meeting, because this is the side he chooses (the tattoo is an impulse decision he doesn't really want to examine), the side of his kind and he can do this because of Audrey.

***

Nauhan doesn't hear from Audrey for the rest of the day and she comes to work late. It makes him uneasy but he doesn't want to push Audrey to talk before she's ready. But there is something he wants to do, something he really shouldn't say outside of a crime scene but he can't wait. 

_We should have dinner. Together._

He's actually putting himself out there because he still has the confidence from the kiss. Audrey *kissed* him. He wants to continue from that. See where they can go from here. And she actually says *yes* but Nathan can't help the moment of slight 'oh, wow, really', just because it's all so new and different and he still hasn't quite completely internalized that Audrey wants him. Then she suggests pancakes for dinner and that sounds like the best date ever, but pancakes are breakfast food. He's trying to flirt and ask her what she means but he stutters from nerves and she just walks away with an amused smile at her face.

He can't quite believe it's happening, but he's gonna go on a date with Audrey. He can't wait until tomorrow night. For once, things look to be working out for him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Couple of things: yay 100 hits! Yay s1&s2 canon stuff is finally done! (College chapters are still a WiP)  
> I did not think the first m/m Nathan stuff I'd really write would be Nathan/Chris but here we are. Also, no one else wrote Nathan/Chris? Really? I mean the Brody trouble is very dubcon but there's Duke/Chris so... Anyway.  
> Next: Jordan after s3 rewatch.


	14. Post Mortem Father Son Talk (2x12)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nathan and Garland talk.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Garland: Are you in love?  
> Nathan: I don’t know what it is.—You came back to tell me that? That I can’t be in love with Audrey? You wasted your time.]

Nathan can’t believe that he is talking with his dead father on a graveyard, and *now* his father wants to talk about this?  
“Why do you suddenly care about my love life?”  
“Well, you’ve never really had one, did you?”  
“God, Dad!” Nathan throws up his hands in frustration and rubs the back of his neck.  
“I’m sorry, son, but it’s true.”  
“That would sound better if you actually paid attention to my life. I dated Jess Minnion.”  
“Not very long or successfully, according to the rumor mill.”  
Nathan buries his hands in his front pockets and sighs in frustration. Both of them are quiet for a moment, once again finding their conversations have turned into arguments and they don't know how to continue.  
“Are you trying to say something to me?” They never talk about this stuff. But Nathan still remembers the odd relief on Garland's face when he caught Nathan making out with Nicole. Like that had been a sign of normalcy he had been waiting for.  
“I’m not sure. Are you?” Garland asks back. Nathan would love to explain the wrongness at the bit of his stomach he sometimes feels when it comes to this stuff, but he has no fucking clue himself, so he just continues the silence.  
“I really do want you to be happy, son. But Audrey is not the answer.”  
Nathan scoffs. “And of course you can’t actually tell me why. I’m supposed to not pursue the best thing that has ever happened to me just because you say so?”  
“It’s more complicated than that, Nathan.” Garland sounds genuinely remorseful, which just makes it worse.  
“So, fucking explain it to me!” Nathan doesn’t swear a lot. He rarely swore at Garland, and not since their relationship swifted from parent-child to cop-chief. Before Garland can reply, Nathan continues. “What I have with Audrey, it makes more sense to me than anything else ever has. And not just because I can feel her. And I’m supposed to give that up because of this town?”  
“You have a duty, Nathan," Garland says in that brook no argument voice that usually shuts Nathan up. But not this time.  
“That you thrust on me without actually explaining anything! You’re still not explaining anything! About the Troubles, about Audrey. About me. You don’t get to tell me what to do anymore.” Just then, Audrey calls Nathan for a ride because Duke abandoned her (of fucking course). "I have to go. Audrey needs me. Maybe say goodbye to me before you disappear." And then Nathan is off, leaving Garland behind. He refuses to look back at his father as he goes. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Still working on actual chapter 1


	15. Audrey and the Hunter (3x3 The Farmer)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nathan's thoughts on the events of 3x1 to 3x3.

Maybe it makes him a terrible person, but Nathan is not totally unhappy about punching Duke. As of right now, he’s his best lead and his denials coupled with riling Nathan up don’t help Duke at all. But something else is going on, and despite everything Nathan does know that Duke cares about Audrey so he lets Duke help, reluctantly. 

He’s not sure whether he’s glad or not about the other case. He fears working on this case takes him further and further from Audrey, but two kidnappings might be related. Mostly he’s just trying really hard to not break down completely. 

He even tells Duke about the fact that he can feel Audrey and no one else. Maybe he shouldn’t have told him that. Framing what he feels for Audrey as being about touch, about her immunity, it taints it somehow. But Duke *can’t* understand everything Audrey is to him. Duke simply can’t. Audrey is his friend, his partner, he loves her and he has never felt like this about anyone else and he doesn’t know what to do with all these damn emotions. And he’s so fucking scared he’s going to lose her. He can’t do that, he can’t even bear the thought. 

When he finally hears her voice on the other end of the phone an overwhelming sense of relief fills him, overtaken by dread when he hears she’s still not safe. When he finally finds her, Audrey runs into his arms and it’s the best feeling, her head against his neck, her safe in his arms. Nathan wishes he could feel the pressure of her arms around him, the feel of the fabric of the top she wore for him. But he can feel enough, and she is *here*, and everything will be OK again. 

*** 

_”Was Lucy in love with the Colorado Kid?”_

Audrey’s question hits him like a ton of bricks but he doesn’t really have space to ask more about that. What does she mean? And how is he supposed to feel about potential competition, who may or may not have been dead for almost 30 years? He will just have to ignore those thoughts. They don’t matter. What matters is taking care of Audrey now. And he will. He will do anything for her. 

*** 

Nathan can’t stop worrying about Audrey. She’s understandably shaken by everything she’s learned and Nathan feels helpless to help her. She’s quiet and reserved, and won’t talk to him. When he finds Claire in Audrey’s office, he can’t help but feel relieved. Claire is a good person to talk to. She can help Audrey, if only she’ll let her. He really hopes she does. 

(And it’s not just about his jealousy over Duke. Audrey doesn’t know Duke like Nathan does but Audrey doesn’t want to hear his perspective on Duke. Maybe that’s fine, Audrey does need friends. She could do better than Duke though) 

*** 

When Audrey shows interest in taking in Cookie, Nathan is really happy. Audrey deserves to have a dog and Cookie is really cute. When they decide to take him for a walk together, it feels like a replacement date for the pancake dinner they didn’t get to have. Or maybe that’s just Nathan’s wishful thinking. When Nathan arrives for the walk, something is changed in Audrey. He can’t tell what it is yet, and she won’t tell him. She just tells him to drive back to the Magnusson farm and he does. 

_”I kind of thought you wanted a dog.”_ Nathan is not sure how to take it. Is there subtext he should be reading here? What happened to change things? He wants to ask, but he also wants Audrey to tell him. 

_”I did. It just wouldn’t work out.”_ Audrey refuses to explain anything else and Nathan has a nasty feeling in his gut he tries to ignore. So, she decided not to keep Cookie. That doesn’t mean anything, right? 

*** 

Something is still different with Audrey when they meet again at the crime scene. Her mind is clearly elsewhere and Nathan doesn’t really know what to do about it. He wishes there was something he could do to get her to talk to him, but he doesn’t want to push. One of the reasons they work is because they give each other space. He just hopes she wants to bridge that gap soon. 

When he gets back to the station, there is mail on his desk. The Shire Theater tickets have arrived. He smiles to himself. Maybe these will cheer Audrey up. He’ll just have to think of the perfect time to ask her to go. He still has plenty of time. The date is for his birthday, after all. 

But he can’t decide when to tell her because Audrey ends up finding the tickets herself. He feels a bit awkward when he explains his idea to her but she seems somewhat keen on the idea of a murder mystery dinner. 

But when she says she can’t, Nathan tries to be a good sport about it. He can get a refund, and they could do something else together. At least the idea is out there again after their few missteps. 

But then she tells him *why*, and it’s a good thing a lot of bodily functions are automatic because Nathan’s not sure he could keep functioning otherwise. 46 days. Just six weeks. There has to be *something* he can do to stop it, but before his brain is really over the shock, he needs to go talk to a witness. He has a job to do, which distracts him well enough. 

But he can’t really stop worrying about what is going on, he’s not ready to lose Audrey. And then Audrey goes and has Duke use his Trouble, kill Harry Nix and Nathan is just really worried about Audrey. She has no idea what using Duke’s Trouble might lead to, and she does not want to talk about the Hunter at all. It’s like she’s already given up even though she still has 46 days to go, she still has time. He just doesn’t know, doesn’t understand where Audrey’s head is at, and that hurts. They trust each other, rely on each other. Why is she trying to shut him out now? 

She throws his maze tattoo on his face, tells him not to protect her. It hurts. But it doesn’t matter. 

No matter what she’s doing, it’s not going to work. Even if Audrey doesn’t want to fight her disappearance, Nathan *does* and he will do anything in his power to figure out what is going on, trying to let her stay. No matter what it takes.


	17. Sarah Vernon (3x9 Sarah & 3x13 Thanks for the Memories)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is basically written around the Nathan/Sarah happenings and dialogue in 3x9 Sarah. With a bit of stuff dealing with James stuff and the 3x13 reveal. Is a dialogue fic a thing? Because that's what this is. 3600+ words of Nathan thoughts regarding the dialogue in 3x9.

Finding himself on a beach in 1955, which only happened because he was helping Audrey to get Duke back and to right the timeline is kinda surreal. It doesn’t seem like that much has changed in Haven during the decades. Cars and clothes are different, sure, but he can still recognize most places, hear familiar names. He doesn't even really have to adjust his wardrobe, except for the hat. And yet, the very atmosphere feels different. The disconnect bothers him a lot. 

It doesn’t take him long to find Duke and for them to figure out the situation, time-space continuum and all. The whole situation leaves him feeling disoriented, trying to figure out how to fix the timeline, how does time travel actually work. He knows Duke’s plan of getting Roy out of Haven won’t work. Or, at least, it didn’t work in their timeline. How will that change things? For the better? For the worse? Nathan would rather not think about it. He needs to find Stuart Mosley so he can fix this situation and get them back to 2010. 

_Nathan: There he is. And he's with Sarah. Even if Stuart can send us back, we may not have a Haven to go to if you don't fix things with Roy. If Sarah's here, Roy may die whether we want him to or not. I'll follow her, find out what she knows, maybe get close to Stuart._

Seeing Sarah is… odd. She both does and doesn’t look like Audrey. Her hair is bright red, she's a nurse. Who knows what else is different. 

_Duke: Watch yourself. She may look like Audrey, but she's not. And apparently a killer._

Nathan knows that Duke is right (he hates admitting even that to himself), that he shouldn’t try to have contact with Sarah. He needs to just figure out the situation with Mosley and get back to his Haven as soon as possible. 

_Nathan: I think we should talk. Mr. Mosley? Stuart? You don't know me, but I was hoping you could help me._

Stuart is not in a good condition. Nathan is not sure whether he even could be of any help to them, the way he is. 

_Sarah: What the hell do you think you're doing? Who are you?_

_Nathan: I- I'm a friend._

Nathan’s mind seems to go slightly blank when confronted with Sarah. Even from this he can see that she’s a force to be reckoned with. Not the same way as Audrey, whose strength hides behind the small blonde exterior. Sarah is every inch the fiery red head you might assume her to be. 

_Sarah: Wrong answer. Let me help you find your way out._

_Nathan: Ow! Ah! Ugh! But I—_

_Sarah: My patient has made more progress in the last two weeks than he has in a year. He's very fragile, and if you've done anything to damage him, I swear I will throttle you. Why are you looking at me that way?_

_Nathan: I'm sorry. You're just--_

_Sarah:- I'm what?_

_Nathan: Just kind of incredible. Sorry. I'll leave._

__  
He's not sure why he said that. That is really not what he's here to do. But she *is* incredible. Her fierce caring and protective nature is both alike and unlike Audrey's, and Nathan is fascinated by that. But he really should leave, try to deal with the situation with Stuart later.

_Sarah: You can't call a girl "incredible" and just walk away. Explain yourself._

_Nathan: I guess I do have some explaining to do._

He's surprised by how little he's stuttering and fumbling over his words. He's nervous, but maybe it's because part of her is Audrey. That helps him. He can usually talk with Audrey, no problem. And he does want to explain things to her. He wants her to have an easier go of it than Audrey did. So, he makes plans to go with her to lunch. There's a part of him that's pretty sure this is a terrible idea. And when he sees her dress, he knows it is. But a part of him doesn't want to care.

*** 

_Sarah: Well, the first time you're in a war zone, they say you either panic, or you just focus and know what to do. I knew what to do. I was better than the doctors sometimes._

_Nathan:Well, that's what you do, right? Handle situations. Help people._

He can really imagine her in a warzone. It's weird to think that somewhere out there, there's a real Sarah Vernon who went through these things. Nathan can really see why she was chosen for this cycle. He has no idea how any of this actually works, but Sarah seems so ready to deal with Haven and its weirdness.

_Sarah: In a way. I work with the vets in D.C._

_Nathan: You don't live in Haven?_

He's slightly surprised, although maybe he shouldn't be. Audrey spent weeks saying she was on loan, and he teased her about it. He knew she would stay. He knows Sarah will stay too, he just doesn't know how yet.

_Sarah: No. I just got here. I just came to make Stuart comfortable. He's a unique case. My supervisor says I'm good with the strange ones._

_Nathan: Well, Haven is a strange place. You don't need to be afraid of what you can't explain._

_Sarah: Well, that is good advice in any corner of the world._

He wants to prepare her for what's to come. He looks back on his attempts to hide the real nature of Haven with cringe, and he doesn't want Sarah to be caught off guard by it all. She already has the right attitude, just like Audrey did.

_Nathan: So you don't-- you don't know anyone here? You don't know any Crocker?_

He's trying to figure out what the situation is. He has no idea why Roy Crocker, Jr. would end up being killed by Sarah on her first day in Haven.

Before she says anything, she takes hold of his hand and suddenly, Nathan's total concentration is on feeling her hand over his. Audrey held on to him when he was resurrected. Before that they stopped touching completely. It was easier that way. And he's been touching, not feeling Jordan for weeks now. That has it's own thrill. But feeling Sarah's touch, it's... indescribable. The touch is simple, yet so intimate. He doesn't want it to stop.

_Sarah: You're my first friend._

_Nathan: I am?_

And suddenly, he's reminded of heartbreak and a kiss on the cheek. True friendship felt so foreign and new to both of them back then. He misses the simplicity, sometimes.

And then nothing is simple, because she is stroking his cheek and it's nothing like Audrey's touch when she was waiting for him to wake up, stop being death. There is a whole different quality to it, and Nathan's mind is turning to mush. This is becoming dangerous. He needs to pull away, slightly.  
_Sarah: There's something different about you._ (Of course there is. He feels like he should hide just how much Sarah's touch affects him, but a part of him doesn't want to. He knows it's wrong but he craves it)  
_You know what I learned on the front? That things could end at any minute. You have to take advantage of the time that you have. Do you believe that?_

__

_Nathan: Yeah._

He wishes he could. With Sarah. With Audrey. But he's running out of time, and he's running out of ways to try to fix the situation. He knows all about the preciousness of time. He just *died* again. There's never enough time.

__

_Sarah: So here I am on this beautiful beach with a handsome guy, and all I can think of is 'We have time'._

He wants this. So badly. Wants Sarah, wants a version of Audrey, even though Sarah is more than that. He doesn't understand all of his feelings, because he's not usually like this. Her lips are so close to his. He can feel her breath against his. He shouldn't do this.

_Nathan: I'm sorry. I should go._

He's not like *this*. However he thinks about his relationship with Audrey, however Sarah and Audrey are connected, it feels like betrayal. And he's with Jordan, officially. However he slices it, he's cheating on at least one person. He needs to leave. Ignore all this.

_Sarah: Why do I always go for the shy ones?_

_  
_

That's what people always say about him. Maybe he wants to be more than that. Maybe... Maybe he'll have to stay at 1955. Maybe he could build something with Sarah, something he couldn't have with Audrey. They have so little time and he doesn't want Sarah to be alone. He doesn't want Her to be alone. And if he's honest with himself? He wants her. How much of that is Sarah, how much it's about being with Audrey, he doesn't know and he doesn't feel good about it, but she wants him, he wants her. Isn't that how it's supposed to be? 

Nathan decides that he doesn't care, and he turns back, smiles and drops to his knees on the sand he can't feel and kisses Her. He's allowed to make mistakes. He wants to make this one. Come hell or high water.

\---

They get caught up in kissing on the beach. Somehow Nathan has lost his jacket and Sarah's fingers are dangerously close to doing away with his buttons. Nathan has just enough sense to pull back for a moment. They both moan at the separation. 

“Not here,” he whispers, his voice gruff. The break also allows him to think about this all for a moment. 

He's not quite sure why he feels this way. He doesn't… not usually.. not really. He doesn't feel like this often. It took him a long time to feel it with Audrey. Is this just because of Sarah looking like Audrey? But they aren't the same. They *look * different, even, as difficult it's to wrap his head around. But Sarah really is incredible on her own. There is something irresistible about her. Or maybe he just doesn't want to. 

“We can go to my car,” Sarah whispers against his lips, and soon they are kissing again. 

He loses his hat somewhere along to way, when they run up the beach, hand in hand, smiling and laughing. Nathan's nerves are starting to get the better of him. It's been a while for him. A long while. Most of his worries wane when he looks at Sarah. When they get to the car, when its time for the real action, they calm down a bit. 

Somehow it all feels so natural. Their touching is gentle, slightly hesitant. Gentle touches, over hands, chest, hair. Soon, the kissing becomes intense again, and for the first time in a really long time Nathan feels... careless. Sarah opens his shirt, he pulls down her dress, leans down on her, pushing her to lay down on the backseat. He's worried, and nervous and there's some guilt involved, too, but he decides to ignore all that. It's just so nice to feel wanted. 

***

He needs to warn Sarah. Somehow what they've been doing has made Roy convinced that he needs to kill Sarah. Duke accidentally letting Roy see his own obituary certainly didn't help. He finds her quickly. 

_Nathan: Sarah._

_Sarah: What are you doing here?_

He wishes he could enjoy her delight at seeing him, but he doesn't have the time.

_Nathan: I'm here because you're not safe._

_Sarah: I don't understand._

_Nathan: There's a man coming to kill you._

_Sarah: Why would anybody want to kill me?_

_Nathan: There are people here that think you're a threat. It's hard to explain. But I'm from Haven. I know this place. And in a way, I know you too. Just look at me. You have the strongest intuition of anybody I've ever met. And you may not know why, but you trust me._

_Sarah: I do. I trust you._

He really doesn't understand how any of this works, how the different personalities connect. But he's glad it makes this easier.

_Nathan: Sarah, you need to run._

_Sarah: No, I can't-- I can't leave Stuart._

_Nathan: I'll guard him with my life. Take this. Go through the basement. There's a man named Duke waiting for you. He has long hair, but you can trust him. Just take whatever car you can and drive. And don't stop driving until you hear a man named Roy Crocker is dead, do you understand?_

_Sarah: Yes._

She comes back to kiss him and it's like from a scene from a movie. It feels surreal and *right*, in a weird way.  
_That's in case I never see you again.  
_

_Nathan: You will._

He knows she will. She's gonna survive this, one way or the other.

***

_Duke: What if this is how it always happened? I mean, either way It all went down exactly how it was supposed to, right? Except we're still stuck here. I'm going to go outside for a minute._

He feels sorry for what Duke went through. But he has no idea how to help him cope with what happened. He needs to deal with Sarah and figure out the situation, find a way home.

_Sarah: I killed that man. I save people. I don't hurt them. But I killed that man._

_Nathan: You didn't have a choice. He was going to kill you._

_Sarah: Why? What did I ever do to him? I just got here. But you knew it was going to happen. I want answers, and I want them now._

He wasn't going to keep the real situation in Haven a secret from her. He just hadn't had time to explain everything before... but he will tell her now. She always deserves to know what's going on, and he's not going to make this any more difficult for her than it already will be.

_Nathan: There are these people in Haven. Some call them cursed. We call them... I call them Troubled. I'm one of them. So is Stuart. And you--you can help. You are important. Special._

_Sarah: And who are you?_

_Nathan: I really am from Haven. I just didn't say when. The longer I stay here, my Haven is getting worse. I really need your help._

There's a big part of him that hates to do this. To leave Sarah like this, alone. There's a selfish part of him that wishes he could leave behind the bullshit in his own Haven and stay here, where it's simple. He could love Sarah, help her. But he'd eventually have to let her go too. The way he's supposed to let Audrey go soon. And Audrey matters, his Haven matters, and he needs to fix this. 1955 is a weird day dream. He has to go.

**

_Sarah: His sedation's wearing off. How do I help someone Troubled exactly?_

_Nathan: You try to reach them, figure out how their trouble works._

_Sarah: And what happened when he sent you here?_

_Nathan: He looked scared, like he remembered me from... Now._

_Sarah: Which is why you landed in 1955._

_Nathan: You mentioned his lost platoon. Maybe he sent them to a future where the war was over To what he thought was a better place or time. Maybe he could do the same for us._

_Sarah: But how can I convince him there even is a future? This is a man who lives each moment terrified that he's going to die._

_Nathan: Maybe if he knows that he lives to be an old man, he can visualize that._

Figuring out the Trouble together is almost nostalgic. Everything feels easier with Sarah, without all the baggage he has with Audrey, that has just gotten even more complicated and messed up. Because of what he did with Sarah. He's not really thinking all of it through right now but once he's home, he has a lot of self-searching to do.

_Sarah: Oh._ (She takes his hand again. It feels too familiar already.) _If this works, it's good-bye, isn't it?_

_Nathan: I belong somewhere else._

With someone else. Who's also you. Or maybe with Jordan. Fuck, everything is so complicated and messed up. Kissing her one last time doesn't help the situation any. But he doesn't have the heart to stop her. No will, either.

_Sarah: I don't want to do this alone._

_Duke: You don't have to do it alone. Go to the Haven Herald in town. Look for Vince and Dave Teagues. They'll be friends. Just, um, don't take any crap from them._

How long was Duke there? Did he hear or see? If he did, he's keeping that close to the chest right now.

_Nathan: That's not her style._

_Duke: Yeah, I can see that._

\--

_Sarah: Stuart. You don't have to be afraid. This is you. You grow to be an old man surrounded by family and loved ones. Look, see? This is your garden._

_Stuart: That's me. How?_

_Sarah: Just imagine it. These two men-- they're there with you. And they need your help to get home. Think of your future. Think of how happy you'll be._

_Stuart: I'm safe. I'm home._

Before Nathan disappears again into his own time, he picks up the photo and thinks again how much he loves watching her do her thing, help people so seemingly effortlessly. But it's best that he tries to put most of the things about this trip behind him. He has a different life to live.

***

_Duke: I told Sarah to kill my own grandfather._

_Audrey: Sarah? Did you meet her?_

Of course he was going to tell Audrey about meeting Sarah. He was just kinda hoping he could have more time to settle his thoughts. Decide what to tell, and how.

_Nathan: We were kind of her first case. She and Stuart-- they helped get us home._

_Audrey: What was she like? Was she married? Did she have, um, a family?_

_Nathan: She just got to Haven. She was a nurse. She, um... She was alone._

_Sarah: Did she mention anything about having a son?_

_Nathan: What's going on?_

Nathan does not like this feeling. There's something Audrey has kept from him, and apparently it has something to do with Sarah? It can't be what he's suspecting, could it?

_Audrey: I didn't know how I was going to tell you this, so I'm just gonna-- I'm gonna say it. When I was Sarah, I had a baby. The Colorado Kid is my son._

Fuck. James is her son? Sarah's, Audrey's, same difference. He couldn't be---. His birth date is all wrong for that to make sense. But he's also a Cogan, from Colorado, not Vernon from Haven. So, something else might be going on. Just because he---, it doesn't *mean*... Could it?

After they both call it a day early (both of them did have full days, just because it happened in different years and universes), Nathan makes his way to Audrey's place for the first time in a long time. Audrey finally tells him what she found out in Colorado. It feels like their relationship might be mending slightly. Throughout it all Nathan occasionally glances at pictures of James. Audrey took photos with her phone of new ones from a photo album Duke momentarily stole. Nathan tries to see whether James strikes him as familiar. He can't say that he doesn't. Whether that's all Audrey (and Sarah), or whether he's just weirdly wishing to see something of himself in James. The whole situation is so fucked up without James being his and Sarah's lovechild, somehow. 

Of course, he doesn't tell Audrey any of his worries. He tells her a little bit about Sarah. He doesn't tell what really happened between them. Their friendship might be mending, but there is still a lot left. And he's with Jordan. He really fucked up the situation, didn't he?. 

***

Every time Audrey talks about James, or mentions 'her son', Nathan's feelings do not know what to do. He feels guilty for keeping the whole story from her. He can't help but wonder whether she's really talking about *their* son, and he can't help but like that feeling. But he usually doesn't have much time to devote to any of this. He needs to find James, whoever his father is, and figure out this whole magical barn situation. He's not ready to lose Audrey.

***

_Sarah: Hurry up. [they try to blow up the Barn but nothing happens to it] Well, thank you for trying. But I guess I have to go._

_Dave Teagues: But who will take care of your son?_

_Sarah: I took him somewhere safe._

_Dave: Was he with his father?_

_Sarah: James’s father. He’s not even born yet._

None of this is how he wanted Audrey to find out, about any of it. Not from Sarah's cryptic words to the Teagues in a 50 year old memory, which confirms his paternity. If he had time, he'd really like to wallow in guilt, over what his selfish choices put Sarah through. Alone, single and pregnant in the 1950s. Having to give him up soon after he was born. His heart breaks for Sarah. But he really doesn't have time to think about all this before Howard, the asshole, shows their son's conception. It's all so surreal and the time travel aspect of it makes his head hurt. He wishes he could just stop for a moment, and deal with all this. With Audrey and James. He wants to fix this. He wants his family.


	19. 5 Incidents between Nathan and Duke (3/3)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 1/3 is the first chapter  
> 2/3 to be written is chapter 5
> 
> Arg, the middle chapters are complicated and I frankly really have no interest writing them at this point, so here. (I will eventually write them, I just don't feel like it right now)
> 
> I almost forgot to write about that 2x2 scene even though it's one of my very fave demi!Nathan moments. 
> 
> That 4x1 bit is why this chapter is '13' and not an earlier one. It's not really about Nathan's demi-ness but once all parts of this chapter are done it should kinda show where Nathan and Duke started from and where they are now. IDK, I wanted write this, so whatever. It works to transition this fic into season 4. Hopefully it all works once I've written everything.  
> (Next I hope to actually deal with non-Sarah season 3 stuff, but I need to rewatch)

5) 2x2 The Normal Again Incident

Having physical feeling again is amazing. He can't stop touching his own skin, feeling the scruff. Even Duke and his blatant disregard for the rules of society doesn't bother him today. Nothing can. He can feel! His skin, the air, the sun, his clothes. Everything!

_Duke Crocker: So, what’s it like being back to normal?_

Nathan's not a huge fan of Duke's implication there, but since he does have his sense of touch back, he's gonna let it slide.

_Nathan Wuornos: Haven’t really had time to process._

Which is true. It's all so new and amazing and low-key overwhelming, Nathan hasn't yet had the time to really consider the full implications of losing his Trouble.

 _Duke Crocker: You mean..."_ Duke asks in a suggestive tone and with a smirk that puts Nathan slightly on edge.

_Nathan Wuornos: No, I mean process._

What exactly was Duke suggesting?

_Duke Crocker: Well, I’ll tell you what. You find this tattooed guy for me and I’ll introduce you to some very lovely ladies who’ll be more than happy to help you process._ " 

Oh, right. Sex. Of course. Naturally, one should think about sex in a situation like this. Nathan was just coming around to that.

_Nathan Wuornos: I, gotta get back to work."_

He kinda just wants out of this conversation.

_Duke Crocker: If you’re worried about the cost, it’s my treat."_

He's really not sure how to take that, but he's in a good mood so he's just going to say,

_Nathan Wuornos: Very nice of you, thank you, but no." ___

Getting out of that situation was a relief. He really doesn't like the thought of Duke wondering about his sex life. Or anyone wondering about his sex life (including himself). Maybe Audrey, but that's probably a bad idea in and of itself. Whatever, he has cases to solve. Whatever he does with these new sensations are his own business.

mini-Bonus: The Mistletoe Incident (2x13)

Nathan glances at Duke who seems as confused about Audrey’s behavior and her bizarre decision to have a party as Nathan is.

Nevermind the fact that that party is a Christmas in July one, when Nathan never really took Parker for a Christmas or a party person. (It doesn’t help that she got bodysnatched during her first and so-far only birthday party)

Nevertheless, Nathan does love Christmas and he is always willing to make the effort for Audrey.

He and Duke are both walking in the same direction where Audrey disappeared to when they both notice it, the Mistletoe ambush.

They again share a look and quickly they both change directions.

“Yeaah, not going there,” being the thought process for both of them.

*****

+1: The Beard Incident 4x1 Fallout

Duke is surprised that Nathan straight up hugs him. That, maybe even more than the beard and the smell and the getting punched for money, tells Duke that Nathan is in a really bad shape. Because Nathan doesn't do blatant neediness like that. Duke can't even really remember when Nathan last smiled at him like that, so genuinely happy to see him. He's not sure if it has ever really happened. The touching and pushing and pulling is a bit weird but that's probably a Nathan's Trouble thing. 

But of course, it doesn't take long for Nathan to become Nathan again, and he asks after Audrey. Duke hates seeing the hope rise and fall in Nathan's eyes like that. But he also worries that Nathan will break the tenuous 'we need each other' thing he has forged with Jennifer. 

"Jennifer, why don't you go fill up the gas tank? Me and Nathan have to talk a bit about what to do next." 

"Oh. OK. Yeah, sure. Won't be gone long." Jennifer gives a little wave as she goes back to the car. She is quite cute. And surprisingly trusting. 

After Jennifer leaves, Duke can tell Nathan wants to start asking all the questions right then and there. Duke knows he can't really deal with the rest of Nathan's fucked up six months right now but there is something that has to happen. 

"Nate, that beard has got to go." Nathan is so taken aback by the change in topic he doesn't even really struggle when Duke starts pushing him forward. 

\--- 

Nathan has packed up his few possessions and is almost ready to leave. Only thing keeping him back is Duke's demand that he shave off his beard.

"We can't go anywhere with you looking like a homeless serial killer." 

Nathan hadn't realized how bad it had gotten. He hasn't looked at himself in a mirror in months. He hasn't been able to. But now he has to. 

"Talk."

Monosyllabic Nathan is back, holding a razor and waiting for Duke's explanation. Duke sits on the bed, looking towards Nathan in the bathroom and notes that Nathan isn't actually looking at him but neither is he really making a move towards getting rid of the beard. 

"How about you shave and I'll talk?" Duke suggests.

Nathan scowls at him, but turns back to the mirror, this time even looking into it. Even with all that hair, Duke can see Nathan's slight surprise at how bad it looks. 

But the moment is brief and soon Nathan does start shaving and Duke tells what has happened to him over the past day/6 months. Nathan listens intently as his face reappears from beneath the beard. Nathan doesn't do a thorough job but that's to be expected. Scruff is Nathan's thing. Considering what that face must have been through during the past months, it doesn't look half-bad. Nathan is one of those guys who pull off that look.

After Nathan has cleaned himself up, for a moment he just stares at himself in the mirror, zoning out. Somehow, being clean-shaven seems worse. Like what happened, what he did, doesn't affect him anymore. He will have to continue avoiding mirrors for the foreseeable future. How ever short that ends up being.

"We better end up going. No use staying here." 

Nathan packs the rest of his toiletries. Duke noticed that moment of dissociation. He fears he has only seen the tip of Nathan's fucked-up berg. 

Duke is proven right when after he stands up from the bed, Nathan pulls him to another hug. It's as surprising as the first one. He doesn't really have time to hug him back this time. 

"I'm glad I didn't kill you," Nathan says before pulling away, grabbing his bag and going to check out from the hotel, leaving Duke alone in the room. It takes him a moment to gather himself before he follows. They definitely need to leave.


	31. Ace moment (5x21)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 5x21 Close to Home  
> Audrey: Hey, you know that's hot.  
> Nathan: No, I don't. But I do know that it's delicious.[kissing]  
> Audrey: Mm-hmm.  
> Nathan: What, you don't like my shirt?  
> Audrey: Oh, I'm just checking you out. I like you like this.  
> Nathan: What, half dressed?  
> Audrey: No. Here. With me. Safe. Just feels like every time we come back together again one of us has to go off and save the world.  
> Nathan: Mm, yeah, wouldn't it be nice to just stay here? Maybe go for a Sunday drive.  
> Audrey: Yeah.  
> Nathan: Saving the world is just so exhausting.  
> Audrey: I know, right?  
> Nathan: I am so tired. [kissing] Parker.  
> Audrey: Hm?  
> Audrey: When Duke comes back, I am gonna have to go into the Void. We both know that.  
> Audrey: And you're so sure that he's coming back?  
> Nathan: Yeah, he will. Once he gets what he needs.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know I'm nowhere here in writing this fic (Jan 20th: 7/9 chapters published; will hopefully edit these comments away once this is done) but I got inspired to write this little moment and didn't feel like letting it linger as a draft chapter until I finally made it here.  
> I am hoping I'll get around to writing the rest of this fic in order. And be better about the updates because I do love this fic.  
> This is a chapter or two after Nathan has realized he's ace/demi but he still hasn't completely come to terms with it.

Audrey's still not convinced. Or maybe she doesn't want to be. She turns her head away from Nathan, and takes another sip of her coffee. But when she turns back to Nathan, she has a smile on her face. She puts her arms back around Nathan's neck and she crinkles her nose in that supercute way she has.

"Let's ignore that for now. You know that thing with the shirt was a ridiculuously ace moment, right?"

"Thanks," Nathan laughs a bit nervously. He wants to rub his neck but Audrey's hands are in the way. He's pretty sure he's blushing and it's his turn to look away, down between them at their entwined legs. Audrey pulls his face back up to hers and she gives him a brief kiss, keeps his eyes on hers with a hand on his cheek, before continueing.

"It was very cute. Stuff like that is one of the many reasons I love you. You don't need to feel bad about it."

He's gotten more used to thinking of himself like that, as 'ace' or 'demi', largely because of Audrey but he's still uncertain about stuff like this. It's still so recent. He's not quite sure he's ready for joking. He's unsure of his reaction, so instead of saying anything, he leans into Audrey for another kiss. There are so many things in his life that don't make sense, but *this*? Being with Audrey, it always makes sense. Once they break apart, Nathan knows they need to start get ready for the day. 

"We should get up. It's gonna be a long day. "

Audrey doesn't make a move to get up but looks at him thoughtfully.

"I didn't mean anything bad by mentioning your ace moment. But if that still makes you uncomfortable I can keep those thoughts to myself. I know this 'acceptance' thing can be difficult."

"No, it's... I... I'm still getting used to it. It makes sense. Knowing helps a lot of things about me make better sense. But... I don't know. Acknowledging it still feels... odd."

"Do you want to tell people?"  
Nathan cruches his face, "That would just feel weird. I'm with you, and it makes sense. I don't see what the point would be."

Audrey's smile is strained, "OK, so I will definitely not say anything if Duke comes back." 

So they are back here. "You mean 'when'. He will come back... And maybe I'll tell him," Nathan shrugs and looks down, "he is pretty much my best friend."

"You are not obligated to tell anyone you don't want to or before you're ready. Best friend or not. IT took me a while to tell you about being bi. You just figured this out. It can wait until you're ready."

Nathan shrugs again. "That's true. I guess I'll see how I feel about it later." 

He kisses her again, hating how to mood got ruined like this. He holds onto her face afterwards, looking deep in her eyes, "I'm happy I realized this, and I'm happy I told you." 

"Me too," Audrey's smile is genuine this time and as she strokes his cheek, Nathan can't hold his feelings back. 

"I love you." 

"I love you, too." 

"Ready to start the day?" 

Audrey groans, "Ugh, I guess. I'll follow you." 

Nathan grins, kisses the top of her nose and leaves her alone on the bed. Audrey sighs and gets up to get dressed. Today is going to be a long day.


End file.
